Friday, 31 December 2010

New Years Eve

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New Years Eve and i am alone : my children are in bed, their father in his room glued to the PC phone with his American girlfriend and i have read, watched some TV, showered, had a couple of drinks and now sit waiting for the midnight hour when the old man will come in to chink glasses and mum will call.

I was feeling quite positive yet at this moment I'm a little down.

Why is new year such a big thing ? Its just another evening, the time wont stand still !

What it is is a chance to look back over the year that has been and shut the door on it - nothing can be changed or altered, nothing taken back or done different.  I think 2010 was a mess for me, i seem to have gone from one man to another in an effort to not be alone.  I had a bad depressive episode that i don't think i really recovered from as it lead to me loosing my job and a boss that i thought was a friend.  My estranged hubby and i had a really rocky beginning to the year but have settled down again of late.  I have spent a lot of time wanting what i cant have and not wanting what i have, i have let myself go in a lot of ways this year and felt terribly sorry for myself.

What a mess eh ?  Still, its new years eve and its also a time to look forward, open the door and walk through.  Make resolutions and try to make them last beyond the first two weeks.

I am going to do more yoga and Pilates, get in some meditation, enjoy a bit of silence each day and count my blessings more often.  I am not going to look for a man I'm going to learn to be alone, i want to see if i can learn tai chi and do some therapy for my obsessional/mad ways.  I am going to "find myself" and learn who i am.  I may get another tattoo and read to my daughter a bit more often.  I am going to be a good friend and trust myself to lean on friends when i need to.  I am going to loose weight and find my spiritual centre.  Make a good go of this new job and force myself to do things to feel good rather than blame my mood on my depression and wallow in it.  I shall look to me for self assurance and be more confident.

Who knows where we will all be next new years eve - i may be thinking : "God what a mess i made of that!" but i may be really pleased and proud with my achievements.  One thing i am definitely going to do is reassess each month and remember that any evening can be a new years eve and every night can be the start of a new start.

Thursday, 30 December 2010


OK, so i went to Asda and saw this and couldn't resist the pinkness (its brighter in life), made me smile to see it standing out amongst all the winter colours.  Its soft cotton too - and only £6 !!!

"The visible spectrum of colour as we see it, consists of seven main colours:
Visible Spectrum of Colours
"The retinas in our eyes though have three types of colour receptors in the form of cones. We can actually only detect three of these visible colours - red - blue and green. These colours are called additive primaries. It is these three colours that are mixed in our brain to create all of the other colours we see... how clever we are!
"The wavelength and frequency of light we see, also influences the colour we see. The seven colours of the spectrum all have varying wavelengths and frequencies. Red is at the lower end of the spectrum and has a higher wavelength but lower frequency to that of Violet at the top end of the spectrum which has a lower wavelength and higher frequency."

That was the technical part - i thought it was interesting and rather cool !!  Sorry if you were bored !!

I am going to mix my black wardrobe with colours this year - pink for now, maybe a yellow in the spring, a pale blue or green in the summer - we shall see.  I love my items of Gothic clothing and they shan't go anywhere, but I'm going to make the effort to mix in some colour (even if only i know its there) each "normal" day.  Even when i don't feel good because its a small thing i can do that i think may help lift me - why don't you do the same ?

"Colour/color in everyday life is very diverse... from knowing that a fruit is ripe to eat, to understanding how Colour can affect our moods."

Wednesday, 29 December 2010


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 I think i may choose a colour for myself in 2011.  My best friend loves red and during the winter months could be seen in a red hat, carrying a red lined bag.  Sometimes she has red in her hair and has written a few of her wonderful blog entries on the colour.

I am not sure what colour to choose but i am thinking of pink - it is the colour of my new jobs tee shirt and is girly.  I am not particularly girly and wear a lot of black, maybe its time to brighten things up ?  Maybe yellow - the colour of daffodils and sun flowers ?

What are your thoughts ??  If a change is called for on the inside why not the outside ?? Perhaps i should just get lots of rainbow motiffs on everything !

Tuesday, 28 December 2010


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"Life will knock us down, but we can choose whether or not to stand back up. " Karate Kid 2010
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." Dale Carnegie
I suffer from anti polar depression, i don't get high (unless its artificial !) i stay relatively stable and then with a blink of an eye i am totally at the bottom of a chasm where there is no light.  I rarely give warning as i rarely see it coming.  Often it only lasts a day or two as the routine of life carries me on weather i like it or not. Sometimes when life looks really unbearable i can have it for weeks, months or years.

Life goes on and a new year is around the corner, i have friends, family, my health, a home and many other things that i don't need but make my life a good place to be.

I am choosing to get back up today, i go to bed hoping i do wake up rather than the opposite.  I am going to try next year to find myself and centre myself, to locate my spirit and spend time on my physical too.  I will be turning 40 next year and life begins then so they say.  I am going to make sure it does, have focus and stillness, calmness and peace.  I shall find the force within me and use it to control my moods, my emotions and my depressive episodes.

I want to learn to love me again and love my life too, look for happiness within rather than in someone else.

There is hope, even at the bottom of the chasm and finding it makes me try to stand up tall and smile.

Monday, 27 December 2010


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Don't know what to say on here tonight, my mood has swung from irritable and stressed to suicidal today, and now i am a bit more stable again.  Why ? because i have an uncanny ability to destroy any relationships i make with my mood swings, my temper, my insecurity, my put downs, my obsessions, my cutting sarcasm and my inability to be happy with what i have.  What else is there if everything about a person is bad ?

I know that the friend that reads this every day will already be planning the email to me detailing all my good points - don't worry, i do know I'm not ALL bad !!

I need to go back to the art of  "seeing" in the Buddhist sense and seeing the balance in myself - weighing the good with the bad rather than seeing one to the detriment of the other.  I need to do the same in others too, I can get blinded with the good i see in some people and then get disappointed, or pick on the bad and forget to see the good. 

OK, so i am having trouble seeing the good in me now !!!

I am confused and complicated, good and bad, loving and really unlikeable, i have few friends but am very loyal to the ones i do have, i can be trusted and confided in, attentive and affectionate, observant, sensitive and funny.

I don't know who i am or what i am doing at the moment - i am in a mess and all at sea.  I need to stop and take stock, find myself and learn who i am, maybe then i can be better for those around me and build healthier relationships.

Sunday, 26 December 2010


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Its boxing day, the main day we spend weeks prepping for is over and now its all in the recycling or our tummies ! 

I feel a twinge of sadness as i ponder the relationship that ended only a couple of days ago.  I wonder about the honesty of the words spoken and doubt the sincerity of them as it seems to have finished too quick, too soon,  I feel scared about the future and if there will ever be someone to take me as i am and love me completely.

Christmas is a time for looking back and looking forward, as a new year ends and one begins.  Memories are are recalled and re lived, new traditions are made.  Who knows what the future will bring : in my dark days i see a black tunnel with no light and uncertainty that terrifies me, on a lighter day i see a road of possibilities and excitement, new adventures to be had and new lessons to be learnt.

At the end of a relationship i wonder about trusting again and usually build another layer on the wall around my heart.  Yet i know it wont last, i need attention and to believe i am special and important to another human being.  So i will keep the wall for a while until the healing is done, and then, when i am ready, i will edge out from behind.

I don't know what next Christmas will hold, i have the memories from this year tho : my children being creative with Lego and friendship bracelets, their father and i having a drink together with a comedy film in the evening.  Its not been a bad one - and the next week should be nice too. 

I think i will let the future take care of its self, and leave the past where it belongs = behind.  I'm going to live in the present and enjoy this day, this minute, this moment : My daughter is next to me drawing, my son next to her snuggled up to his father and Roger Rabbit on the TV being watched by us all, this is a moment and memory to treasure.

"We want to live in the present and the only history that is worth a tinker's dam is the history we made today."  Henry Ford

Friday, 24 December 2010


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I was alone and sad last night, i lay wake until after midnight angry and upset alternately over the way the day had turned out.

Today is a new day and today i have learnt a lesson. 

I met in town this morning two very good friends.  One told such stories of her life, friends and family that i could listen to all day.  This lovely lady tells her stories in such a way that totally takes me out of my life and worries - she made me smile and lightened my spirit - i thank her loads for that.

The other friend and i didn't get to chat much but she gave me 2 gifts : one that is under my Christmas tree and one that is in my heart.  She offered her friendship again, offered to be there with me in the tough times as well the up and told me i was worth believing in.  This wonderful friend (i am honoured to say) of mine, said that i need just to reach out, if only a finger and she would be there - that is a gift i know was given sincerely and with love and it meant more than i could ever say for i know she will do just as she said.

Later another friend of mine called.  I was surprised to hear from him but pleased all the same, we have a rather unusual relationship and yet there is a bond that will stand the tests of time i believe.  I ended up showing him a range emotions as lots of feelings about the last week or two came out, especially yesterday.  I attacked him in anger and blamed him for all sorts - he took it well !!!  I cried and he just waited, i talked and he made a "passing resemblance of a man who cares" (in joke!).  He then shared with me how he has been feeling recently - it seems this time of year can invoke some strange and unexpected emotions - and we had an honest exchange of conversation that cleared my mind and gave me comfort - i hope it did him too.

The father of my children came home not long after, he and i shared a take-a-way with our children and we all opened our cards to each other.  We had a hug and set up the stockings (for Santa to fill) and the small table with milk, mince pie, carrot and a bowl of water (for Santa and his reindeer).  As much as this man would love to be sharing the time of year with his girlfriend in America, we have promised each other to make this Christmas special for ourselves and our children.To put all else to one side for a few days and be a family, there is great security for me it that.

I have some good friends, i am lucky, and on this Christmas eve i count my blessings.

Thursday, 23 December 2010


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This evening i am sad.

Everyone is out partying, seeing friends or sharing the Christmas season with smiles and laughter, love and joy.

I am alone : my children off to bed in a bit, their father visiting his mum and sister.  My best friends have friends of their own and my boyfriend is no longer my boyfriend.  I have no where to go, no one to see and no one is interested anyway.

Loneliness is a painful thing, isolation and depression is mates.  I have the urge to drink a lot, smoke a lot, dance a lot and then run a really really long way, to escape the four walls and the bubble that is closing in.  I see myself tonight as ugly, unlovable and not in the slightest special, i am invisible and unwanted.  I want to scream and shout, to be heard but there is no one out there to hear.

I am feeling sorry for myself - and so i shall for this evening.  Tomorrow is another day and i shall pick myself up: for my friends who want to have coffee with me, my children who want to prepare for a family Christmas, and hope that by tomorrow evening when i am alone once more the dark clouds will not descend.

I have a lot to look forward to in the new year - a new job, a new school for my son, a holiday in Yorkshire where i have always wanted to go in February and my role in Cranford which i cant wait to get my teeth into.  I will be 40 and my mum has a surprise outing for me and the summer holidays which i live for.  I will be starting to meditate more and exercise, researching Buddhism more to find my spirituality. I shall be exercising it all through my journal and with a very special friend i shall learn about the use of words and paint in my craft.  I shall get out my sewing machine and get better at that as well. 

It could be a good year - i just got to get past this little hiccup.

Wednesday, 22 December 2010

Meditation 1

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I have been thinking of meditation for quite a while - i haven't done it for years and then it was about God, scriptures and the spirit.  I have not been sure what to meditate on recently and so have put it off.

After a really rough few days i had a thought last night and this morning i decided to put it into action.  I sat in the lotus position on my bed with my thumbs touching first fingers on my knees.  I found it hard to not hear outside sounds at first so i concentrated on the breathing technique that my body balance teacher shows me - in threw the nose and out through a closed throat so you can just hear it.  I counted ten of these, breathing deeper and slower each time.

Once i had done that, i saw myself at my favorite place: by the sea, i walked into it - felt its warmth and welcoming arms of the waves.  I swam further and saw the colours of the secret world under the oceans, it was so quiet and beautiful.  I could see octopus and swam alongside a whale, the plants waving in the current and the fish were all the colours of the rainbow, part of the world yet apart from it, totally unaware of the weather up above or the financial problems, the stresses of family life or the issues with work.  I relaxed into this world and forgot everything from my own life.

Once i felt up to it i swam up and took off into the air, i flew with the eagles looking at the scenery below and feeling the wind beneath my wings.  I was free, i could dive into the water or soar into the air as i wanted - it was such a sense of being open and stretched rather than curled up and crunched up like i had been feeling.

Whilst in the air i hovered over those i know - family and friends.  I peeked in to see them living their lives, i saw what i can not see from here - their feelings and thoughts.  I learnt a lot and it relieved more tension.  To see things from another's point of view is really "seeing" and quite an experience.

When the time was right i started my breathing once more but this time counting from ten down, i imagined some of my yoga positions and stretched myself up tall, rolled my head, and woke up.

I have written this in quite a bit of detail so i can remember what i did, i want to try and do this every day - such an experience i did not expect, it has put my heart to rest and eased my mind.  It turned out to be only ten minutes or so but i feel so much better for it.

Tuesday, 21 December 2010

Black day

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"Do you want the good news or the bad?" people say.  Why does one always go with the other?  I had some good news about a new job i start in January, yet following a black day on Sunday witnessed for the first time by an outsider to my immediate family i fear i may have lost someone close to me.  

I know those days are hard to cope with, to understand or even to come to terms with and the climax on a day like that can almost cause post traumatic stress syndrome for the on-looker.  Once i cry I'm generally over the worst of it but then like a hangover i realise what i have done, who i have hurt and due to being uni polar i hit suicidal in less than half a second.  I know what brought it on, i know the symptoms but seem trapped and cant escape, I'm unable to behave any different to the way i know.

Now i deal with the consequences : make my apologies and try to explain the unexplainable : the bubble of blackness that i can not see out of until i completely loose control in what ever way if manifests itself - anger usually, occasionally self harm or hysteria.

I look back and know what and where it started, and wonder why i didn't try to stop it when i could have and maybe controlled and changed my mentality or even asked for help.  I didn't and cant really say why.  I have a first appointment with a counselor just after Christmas - maybe that will help.  The best way would be to take away one of the triggers for my episodes but every level of my being rejects that idea. 

Its passed now and i feel stable and composed, i just hope those around me will stick around and help me to maybe stop it before it starts next time or at least be there to ride the storm and keep me safe.

I think that's maybe a pathetic, selfish thing to say.   I wont give up tho, i will keep trying to improve myself, find a way to get a control on my extreme emotions and deal with them before i dive off the deep end, maybe even get off the tablets.  Please bear with me.

Monday, 20 December 2010


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I have come to the conclusion that all the living things on this earth are made of energy - from the sun and stars to the plants and flowers as well as all the animals and people.

I think that we all share energy, we are all connected and we all need each other to survive.  The energy is only borrowed tho and at some stage is needed to be given back so something else may exist.

This is not the thoughts i was brought up with but rather something an old friend of mine used to chat about with me, although the friend has moved on and i no longer hear from her i still recall those deep conversations.  I have thought long and hard about them over the years and have had the thoughts confirmed over and again since.  Energy and life force flows through all living things and we are all connected - that is a fact so why should it not be spiritual ?

I like the film Avatar and their believe that their ancestors energy is all around them and infects each new person and generation, that they can still gain the wisdom from people passed by meditating on their energy. Wow, how cool, that fascinates me.

I find myself believing in this more and more and liking the idea more and more - it makes death seem a lot less scary and and final.

Whether there is a heaven or hell i am not sure but if i can give the energy and life i got from my parents, grand parents and so forth back to the earth and my children, and theirs too - that's a good thing and i will have achieved something after all.

Saturday, 18 December 2010


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Its a curious thing but i have found that while trying to find myself spiritually i have somehow found that i want to improve my physical side too.  Don't get me wrong i still love my take a ways and chocolate and still eat more chips than salads, but, i am into doing a little more exercise.  I adore my body balance class on a Friday lunch time and have dusted off the wii fit balance board and do a bit of aerobics, jogging and yoga some days, i find i don't find it a chore but something i want to do and enjoy doing.  I don't know what the connection is and i am not loosing weight but i feel good, open, stretched and each week get a little stronger.

In the new year i will be going forward with all my resolutions - because i have already started them.  I will be going to Pilate's/yoga twice a week and getting the wii fit out on weekends i think, meditation classes start on a Tue eve with a friend from the theatre and i want to go to the Brighton Buddhist centre and look at their teachings and courses.
Money allowing 2011 is going to be the year for me finding myself and i intend my journey to continue - join me ?

Thursday, 16 December 2010


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We humans are strange creatures, we can do the most terrible things imaginable to each other yet we can also show immense courage, bravery and heroism.

There are the Hitlers of the world, then and now ! Bet then there are the Schindler's !  Its funny that most will recognise the first name and few the second !  What does that say about us ??

I saw a film last night called "unstoppable" based on a true story of 3 men that stopped a train in Ohio that was running away with no driver and no brakes.  I looked up the story on the Internet this morning, there is very little info on it, i was only just about to gather the major differences between the story and the film and no more.  These men risked their lives to stop that train before it de-railed and killed many many people with its hazardous and flammable load.  Yet they are hardly known.

On the other hand, if i mention the words terrorist, twin and towers, from the same year - bet you know that story!

Not quite sure why that is, the hero's get forgotten while the bad guys live on in memory.  Maybe that's why we say the good die young ??

Tuesday, 14 December 2010

Being needed

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My little boy is poorly today, he has a realy high temperature, been sick and coughed and sneezed like he has been smoking for 50 years.  He has spent all day laying on the settee just dozing and barely having the energy to go to the loo. 

It breaks my heart when one of my children are ill, when my daughter was a baby she had a sickness bug and had to go to hospital for 24 hours due to dehydration, she was so little, i would gladly have taken her place many times over.

I have to confess tho, to liking, that when poorly my children need me as their mummy in a way they no longer do in everyday life.  They want to cuddle with a blanket and a bear, they want to suck their thumbs and be read to.  I admit i like that part of them being ill.

Being needed is something i feel justifies my life, sadley i often feel im not needed by anyone these days. My children are yet quite young so it must be much worse for parents of older children and i do not look forward to those years yet to come.  A friend i have asks me to order his regular prescription each month - its a small thing but i do it gladly for i feel i maybe releiveing him of something that takes time and is a hassle and therefore i am being a good friend and maybe i am even needed by him and so i deserve my place in his life.

Is that a childish thing ?  Is it healthy ? I dont know - what do you think ?

Monday, 13 December 2010


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Plans can be a bit like rules : we make them and then break them.  We make them with all the best intentions, but for reasons, quite often beyond our control, they fail to turn out how we intended.

Some plans we are pleased to loose, like when the dentist falls ill and our appointment is cancelled.  Others not, like the arrangements people had made when the country came to a snowy stand still.  I like the ones made on the spur of the moment, you get up, get in the car and go..........

My husband and i did just that many many years ago and came across an old English Inn dating back to 1533.  Largely unspoilt stone walls and floors, wooden beams, lamp light and real log fire, home made Kent fruit wines, it was like going back in time.  And over the years we did go back, very regularly, he even proposed in the garden.  We spent a memorable Christmas evening there one year just after we married, there was a small group having their company "do" and we ended up sharing their evening.  It was a truly lovely, yet unplanned, evening full of laughter, warmth and a wonderful atmosphere.  We still talk about it on occasion.

My husband and I went back there one day in the summer this year with our children.  The Inn had barely changed, but we had.  We had grown up, got a family, and found the plans we had made back then had faltered and failed over the more recent years.  Our love has changed and we have independently moved on.

It was a planned trip that was tinged with sadness.

Saturday, 11 December 2010


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Do fairy tales exists, is there a happy ever after, can it be that there is a prince charming for every princess ?

I always thought so and so do many children, so what goes wrong when we become adults - how come the magic of romance and fairy tales disappears ?

I dreamt of being Scarlett O'Hara and despite hankering after the Ashley Wilkes' of the world knew that the dashing and handsome Rhett Butler would come along someday to whisk me off my feet, take me to places far and wide and buy me my dream house.

I think these days that maybe the fairy tale can be a reality but we humans are so damaged and broken that it is impossible to believe in keeping it.  We try and fail and then move on, we are so afraid of failing again we don't fight the dragons or wicked queens for our love anymore.  Love is free and easy to find, but is it ? Real love is not found on a Friday night at the local or in chat rooms with people you will never meet.  Its in the heart and eyes of those closest around you, those that you can trust and count on, those that would fight dragons to find you and beat the wicked witch to protect you. 

Love is relatively easy to find but true love is hard and to keep is harder still.  To give and also to receive is not something that comes naturally to some people and until you can give there will always be a piece missing in your relationships and true love can be evasive.

I like to think i found my Rhett Butler, but he went to war and i can only be here waiting for him with support and loyalty always.  However, Rhett left Scarlett in the end because she was never happy with what she had.  She was so obsessed with the ideal she dreamt of she couldn't see the dream that could be right in front of her.  Is my Rhett actually my Ashley ? I fear that i may be more like Scarlett than i care to notice !!!

But  "tomorrow is another day!"

Friday, 10 December 2010


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I so love my body balance class, i love the feeling of my bones being separated and muscles stretched - it makes me feel alive and open and i feel a little taller after (not a bad thing at only 3ft 3.5).

I like to think I'm a fairly open person, happy to listen and terribly loyal, i talk quite openly too about anything and everything and willingly answer questions honestly - even the embarrassing ones from the children.

Sometimes i have to say "why do i bother" though.  I don't give to receive but a thank you never goes a miss, i did a favour voluntarily for a friend this week and he was so grateful i was quite embarrassed.

This probably has no connection to the above but thinking about those protesters this week ...... I still think education is a privilege and something we should be grateful for.  I hated school as does my daughter but as an adult i can see the benefits to it and how it improves life, specially given the advantages made over the centuries by educated people.  I understand the financial issues of the protesters and i support the ideals, i think its disgusting that the charges for further education are so much - it is appalling. 
However, saying that, how is vandalism, violence and abuse going to help their cause ???  Where is the gratitude for an education a third of the world still don't get the chance of and where is the camaraderie shown by peaceful protesters that can (on rare occasions) work.  It not only puts the protest in a blacker light but the youth of today in general. 

Not exactly showing openness to talk or listen or even a maturity in how to handle their problems.  Lets hope the government doesnt go to their extremes and take back the possibility of learning to read and write.

Thursday, 9 December 2010


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"Children don't come with instruction manuals."  How many times have you heard that ?

My niece has struggled with her new baby and the snow, unable to get out by car or even push a pram they have been going stir crazy.  My children have a link worker alongside them to help them cope with the changes in their unusual family arrangement.  My very good friend is wondering how to cope with her daughter fast becoming a woman in her own right and what her role is now meant to be.

If only the answers were easy to come by!  We could borrow every parenting book in the library, consult every parent before us, medical professionals, religious leaders, search the web, but all we will ever find are suggestions.

Suggestions that may work for one family but not necessarily for the next.  We are all so different, as are our children.  All we can do is our best and what we as loving parents see as the right thing at the time.  We could spend sleepless nights worrying about what scars or damage we are creating on the next generation with each decision we make, but, while doing that, we could be playing, laughing or even shopping with them

I would say then - stop worrying, do what your heart tells you and enjoy it - our children are children for such a short time.  And yes, they are our children even when they are adults with children of their own !!

Wednesday, 8 December 2010

Pushing the boundaries

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Why do we push the boundaries ?

Children push to find the limit of a parents patience and love, but as adults ? whats that about ?

I am a terrible pusher, i push for attention, for action, for things to be different (particularly in relationships) - why ? all it succeeds in doing is pushing people away because they feel pressurised and nagged.  I seriously thought that i was the only person who did this as an adult until recently, indeed, i didn't realise i did it all until a couple of years ago.
"We magnify our problems by longing (and trying) to stop that change, to fix things in their places.  We attempt this externally through force, control and manipulation."
"The mind tends to lean in one direction or another because, out of ignorance, it sees something which it craves.  "I want that back," "I want that now," or "I don't want that anymore. Push it away, get rid of it,"
I am sorry to say that this is me - and i am at a loss as to what to do about it.  If a relationship changes i pull to drag it back to where it was, if I don't understand what is going on i nag to make things clearer for myself, if things are not perfect i want to change it NOW.  Its like i am the only one who can fix things and i want them so badly i will do anything to get them - force, control and manipulation.  The later one i am so well qualified in i could win golds in the Olympics. I don't really do it with bad intentions or to be a nightmare, i just want things the way i want them - my comfort zones.

I need to accept that i am not the centre of the universe i guess and i alone cannot do all i want to do.  If a relationship changes or falters its down to both people not just me and no matter how hard i push, pull or nag if the other person needs to change or pull away i do not have control over that.  Unfortunately, its a little like pushing against a brick wall and its a hard lesson, one i don't think i will ever learn.  The same goes for patience too, if a relationship or situation is going slowly patience is needed, nothing happens overnight - everything has a time and somethings are just quicker than others for reasons that are often out of our control.

I think this is were my main source of confusion and dissatisfaction comes from.  Although, I don't think of myself as controlling, more as a wanna be controller of what i want - selfish? oh yes, i think so.  Sorry.

Tuesday, 7 December 2010


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I am afraid of lots of things : spiders, thunder, the dark, but then so are many others.  I am also afraid of silence.  Why ? I don't know. 

I have become braver over the years and i no longer have to have a ticking clock in the bedroom at night, however, silence is a funny thing for when you turn that radio or TV off you think its quiet, but, have a power cut and you realise just how much noise an empty house really has.

Being a depressive I'm not too keen on being alone with my thoughts, they are generally of a pessimistic and negative nature, so I block them out with the TV or music (in a real episode that is impossible to do but thankfully they are rare these days).

I'm not so sure this blocking out thoughts with noise is a good thing.  Maybe in my "saner" moments i should stop and look at my thoughts and fears, that could be the time to turn them around and see the more optimistic things in life.  That way maybe the real bad times wont be so bad having laid a stronger more positive foundation.

Another lesson to try and learn I think, for its a lesson that could lead to the Buddhist awakening.
"....When we awaken, our fears and anxieties quite naturally vanish, as the night fades away at the rising of the sun"    =    MY AIM

Monday, 6 December 2010

Me, my enemy and I

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I am feeling good today, over excesses on the weekend seem not to have caused me too much suffering !!!!

I have kept busy, exercised and done most of my Christmas cards.  When the spirit moves me, i can move - it just doesn't happen that often. LOL !

I asked myself today why i find home such a confusing and complicated place.  Why at home i can dwell all too easily on the people and situations that cause me pain.  Yet the moment i get away and let my hair down all seems so much more straight forward and easy.  I guess its that change of 4 walls thing and the lack of responsibility that comes from not being at home.

I don't know if its possible to find that relaxed place at home, i find it very hard to not be stressed or chewed up inside over the silly things of every day life.  My mind wanders, it goes over imaginary conversations and situations with people that i will never have or it goes over real conversations and situations and shows me ways i should or could have handled it.  Either way, i feed my restlessness and stress levels without need more often than not.  Why do i torture myself so or fantasize about things that will never be ?  Because I'm human and because : I am my own worst enemy - are you yours ??

Are you craving being thinner when your not really fat ?  Are you craving the attention of the person down the road when you could be happy with who is at home ? Do you crave a new job but lack the imagination the make the best of the job your doing ? Are you desperate to stop smoking yet light another cigarette ?

Saturday, 4 December 2010


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Watched a family Christmas film today - it was home alone 2, we watched the original a few weeks ago.  The child in the 2 films finds himself alone at Christmas, separated from his family and faced with thieves whom he manages to thwart each time using different slapstick methods that would have killed a normal person several times over.

The boy in the film is 10, if my 11 year old was left alone for any length of time he would sit and watch TV and never move i think, oh and eat all the e numbers he could get hold of.  Faced with burglars i don't think he would have a clue, or certainly the imagination for the traps and pranks played in the film (think I'm pleased about that!)

I don't think i cope very well with life : the stresses and pressures, the ups and downs.  I get too over awed with the mental and emotional stuff and then buckle under weight.

Yet, I don't feel that is totally right and i wonder how much of that is me running away from responsibility again.  I am an adult, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an Aunt and a friend.  Why cant i cope, why do i suffer panic attacks, why should one word from one person send me into the pits of despair for days on end ?

I think a lot of what i have written in these blogs is being taken on board by myself.  I'm staring to "see" my intentions behind some of my ways, "believe" in myself and my ability to be my own refuge and strength, "embrace" change and "live" for the moment rather than looking to the past.

This has been the start of my journey, its slow going but my mind is clear and emotions stable, i fight to stay afloat some days but afloat i will stay and become a better woman for it in my own right, thereby being a better mother, daughter, friend - you get the picture.

Friday, 3 December 2010

Sea of Change

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I love the sea, doesn't matter about the weather or time of year - i just love the sea.  It has a particular smell, sound and taste, in fact it pleases all my senses.

The other day a rogue wave caught my children unaware and they ended up wet up to the knees which caused a lot of laughter.  In the summer we paddled, swam and jumped the waves while the sun warmed our bare skin.  My favorite time to visit the sea is new years day (quite the tradition now), the wet spray and harsh waves, the stones being pushed and pulled on the shore, its incredible and i absolutely adore it.  I can stand and just look - lost in the movement of the sea - for hours, and do.

The sea is in a constant flux, it changes all the time, there is a coming and going, coming and going, its never still or permanent.  King Canute tried to rule the sea but failed and so would we.

I, like many others, am not too keen on change.  Is it really something to be afraid of tho ? Change is also momentary and not permanent.  Once the change is made its gone and so routine settles in again.  As you read this you are changing, your body and mind in constant change - i find that fascinating.

To see that fact is to remove the fear from it and that is a good thing.  Some people are afraid of the sea because of its power and ability to take life so quickly, i just believe its something to be respected and admired.  Its a thing of majesty and beauty despite the threat it can also be.

The sea is a "real" thing and always changes, just as we are "real" and always changing.  What is there to be afraid of where change is concerned ? I'm not sure i know now !!!!

Thursday, 2 December 2010

Dissatisfaction wall

I used the word dissatisfaction in my last entry :
1. The condition or feeling of being displeased or unsatisfied; discontent.
2. A cause of discontent.
I spend a lot of time being discontent and unsatisfied and then those feelings inject into my life in general, making me irritable and miserable.  I take it out on the people closest to me all the time: the children mainly.  I wish i could fight against it and force myself to change the way i feel and not react to it.  I blame my illness and say its just me -  What a cop out !

I have bound myself to a cycle of behaviour and over time its become such a brick wall it looks impossible to get past.

I dwell on negative emotions and say i don't enjoy it. Yet i said no again tonight to reading with my daughter because of the self inflicted drowning i was busily occupied with.  All because I was not satisfied with a particualr situation !  I have imprisoned myslef within this stupid cycle and its sad to admit that its not just me that it effects and I am ashamed of myself, I realise today its something i have to examine and address NOW !!!!

"There is a way to move beyond this ignorance, pessimism, and confusion, and to experience reality as a whole...........It's seeing before signs appear, before ideas sprout, before falling into thought" 

I think too much so I'm off to buy a sledge hammer.

Last Night

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Spent all day yesterday not knowing what to write and by the evening when i had got it the laptop had stopped working for some reason.  It may not make exactly the same sense but this is what i would have written yesterday if i could !

Why are we never content ? Grass is always greener and life would be better if ........
As humans we are inherently dissatisfied with what we have and the way things are, yet, does having everything make things rosy ?

Robbie Williams has a large fortune yet confesses to being depressed, lonely and empty.  Naomi Campbell has a body and face to die for but is constantly arguing with those around her.  Tony Hancock had such a talent with comedy he had fame beyond his dreams but he killed himself to escape.

I am sitting this evening frustrated and irritable due to not being where i want, with who i want, doing what i want and as with so many negative emotions, its bred to my whole life being no good compared to where it could be.  Its all in my head of course, but still means i have been chewed up, ratty with the children and not really very nice to be with.

Its also stopped me doing what i could have been doing - reading with my daughter, doing yoga or having a long bubble bath and an early night.

How pathetic to miss the magic of an evening and instead be stroppy, miserable, bad tempered and isolated.

I need to take my own advice and live for the moment, the present rather than the what ifs and maybes.

I forgot to look for the sun tonight, but, thankfully "tomorrow is another day".

Tuesday, 30 November 2010


I went to a rock concert last night, its a long time since i went to anything like that, even a night club.  I had forgotten how alive the bass beat feels.  To dance is the most free i feel, its totally liberating, like nothing else ever.

This morning i feel at least twenty years older than i am : my feet hurt, back aches and I'm soooo tired.  I'm also now alone rather than being one of thousands all loving the same music.  Its a bit of a come down !

However, the new me looks at the moment and tries to see the good in it : 1) The snow looks beautiful, 2) I had an unexpected visitor this morning with bacon for sarnies, 3) I have my card making stuff out which i am good at, 4) Christmas is on its way, 5) My children will be home in a few hours, and of course 6) last night is a fantastic memory.

I rather like this new me - I am looking for the sun and seeing the positives rather than hiding from it and studying the negative.  I think its a case of accepting that with every moment things change, from the way we are thinking to what we are looking at and even what our internal organs are doing.  As such, in every short minute something good is to be seen and something bad too : someone somewhere is being born, getting married, being told there is nothing that can be done or being buried.

Acceptance is seeing, and i think, for me, its knowing the negative but concentrating on the positive.

Monday, 29 November 2010


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I love bubbles.

Bubble baths that smell of lavender, bubbles in fizzy drinks fascinate me, bubbles show life with fish and babies learn to blow them and make themselves jump when they pop.  Soap bubbles are soft and cleansing, while there are world records for bubble gum bubbles.  Magicians create bubble tunnels and rings they can climb into and muddy puddles just beg to be jumped in making bubbles of their own.

Life can be a bubble, specially a this time of year when we all cozy up in our own homes with blankets and central heating and family around us.  Religion can also be a bubble for some.

I often relate a depressive episode with a personal bubble.  Its a totally isolating time that no one sees or feels except me.  From inside its similar to being under water with muted sound, blurred vision and pressure all around.  The pain is intense and unrelenting, the stress too much to bare and i can barely get out of bed some days.  The bubble that is me quickly becomes a bubble within a bubble as I close up the house too.  Unable to go outside, look into peoples eyes or face the sun.  Sometimes the only one who can reach me is my son.

I want freedom from bubbles, I want to be free from the trappings of the enclosed life.  There has to be more to find and more to see.  Please let me be "awakened".

Saturday, 27 November 2010

Good vs Bad

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I always thought i knew good from bad and have brought my children up understanding my understanding of that difference.  Today i read that someones good may be someone else's bad : confusing ? tell me about it !!!

For example - some believe that to smack a child as a last resort is a good thing, to teach discipline and respect.  For others it is bad and takes away that child's humanity and free spirit.
What are our intentions behind our judgements of what is good or bad though?  In the above example the intentions on either side is good, however to vote for the former by someone with a violent anger issue would not be so good.
"Most of us, most of the time, tend to act with intent, trying to bring about some desired end.  But nature doesn't act with intent.  A Buddha doesn't either.  Acting without intent means acting out of wholeness - out of seeing the whole."
I rarely examine the reasons behind my knowledge of good vs bad.  Maybe i should.  Some things that i see as good may well be bad for someone in a different culture or living with different conditions.

Friday, 26 November 2010


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I went to a "body balance" class today, it felt really good.  I stretched mussels i didn't know i had, breathed deep and steady and relaxed completely.  It was soooo nice.

I once was told that the human person is made of 4 parts : physical, spiritual, mental and emotional.  If we can keep them all in balance we will run like a brand new car, otherwise............i guess we are back to the out of kilter wheel !!!!

Judging by how ungainly i looked in the gym mirrors (see above picture!) my physical being is rather out of shape (I shall get to that in the new year!) My spiritual is relatively steady and not in either extreme of religious fever.  Mentally I'm kept "normal" by the meds.

It is the emotional i want to deal with at the moment.  I want to be able to cope with life in the real world rather than retreat into myself and shut out the world.  I want to deal with my panic attacks and high stress levels with a clear mind and a regular breathing pattern.  That way i can stop blaming my condition and start taking responsibility for myself. 

"Its about time too " i hear some of you say, well, i may not be too balanced just yet but I'm working on it, be patient and watch this space.

Thursday, 25 November 2010


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I let an old wound reopen today, it brought pain, regret and a desperate wish for things to be different.

I was reading my book on Buddhism later and learnt of duhkha (doo-ka) which is life being like a wheel out of kilter.  I think that is a pretty good image of my mental state.

I take medication to correct the chemical imbalance in my head, but according to the book the way to straighten things is the SEE because :
"truth comes to us through seeing"
I need to see that wound for what it is now not what caused it so long ago.  I should leave the scab to heal rather than keep picking at it like a child.
"we can only deal with pain by facing it squarely"
If i face that pain i know it really belongs in the past and it is self indulgent to still be feeling it.  Life changes and moves on, we can look at the past but should not stare.

I wont forget that wound, its a scar that will be with me forever, however, today must be lived because: today is real, and today is truth, and today !!!!

Wednesday, 24 November 2010


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Happiness - what's that about ?

Something we all strive for, all look for, in very different places : In clothes or shoe shops, in drink or drugs, in being a member of an elite club, in having the perfect body or house.

Me ? I always find it in others and the attention they pay me.  I suppose I am happiest when I'm the centre of someone else's world.  From Mum to my husband with various leaders, teachers and friends in between.  My need be dependent on someone is a craving and obsession.  The climax of which is of course my children.  Love as a mother for your baby is all consuming and its ok to be completely obsessed with them, it doesn't suffocate them, or cause them to pull away.  Its just returned tenfold.

Is all the clinging to others just me giving up the authority to create my own happiness ?  Expecting others to do it for me ?
"Look not for refuge to anyone beside yourself..........In other words you're fully prepared for anything that might come along"
Its time I took charge of me and my life, found comfort and acceptance in what and who I am and realised that I am my own refuge and can fulfil my own needs.


That is something to meditate on.

Tuesday, 23 November 2010

Religion vs Beliefs

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Ok, so, this is the first day on a journey i have been thinking about for a while now.  Been thinking really deeply lately, trying to equate my medicated depression and emotional mood swings with faith and religion.  Can it be done in this modern day n age ? Can a person achieve distance from yet be part of the world ?

I know and understand the Christian faith, i have lived the life and walked its path.  It appeals to the religious side of me, i still believe in God and Jesus, the crucifixion and the resurrection.
I really don't feel it touches my mental "mess" tho and the Buddhism book and sites i have been looking at do.  The idea of being self sufficient in an emotional way and calm in a mental way is terribly appealing, and to rely on myself rather than others or a God i cant see is a new and curious idea.
Can you mix two religions into one faith so a person can have a belief system that is as individual as they are ?

WHY NOT !!!!!

We are all different so why should one faith fit all ??