Thursday, 23 December 2010
This evening i am sad.
Everyone is out partying, seeing friends or sharing the Christmas season with smiles and laughter, love and joy.
I am alone : my children off to bed in a bit, their father visiting his mum and sister. My best friends have friends of their own and my boyfriend is no longer my boyfriend. I have no where to go, no one to see and no one is interested anyway.
Loneliness is a painful thing, isolation and depression is mates. I have the urge to drink a lot, smoke a lot, dance a lot and then run a really really long way, to escape the four walls and the bubble that is closing in. I see myself tonight as ugly, unlovable and not in the slightest special, i am invisible and unwanted. I want to scream and shout, to be heard but there is no one out there to hear.
I am feeling sorry for myself - and so i shall for this evening. Tomorrow is another day and i shall pick myself up: for my friends who want to have coffee with me, my children who want to prepare for a family Christmas, and hope that by tomorrow evening when i am alone once more the dark clouds will not descend.
I have a lot to look forward to in the new year - a new job, a new school for my son, a holiday in Yorkshire where i have always wanted to go in February and my role in Cranford which i cant wait to get my teeth into. I will be 40 and my mum has a surprise outing for me and the summer holidays which i live for. I will be starting to meditate more and exercise, researching Buddhism more to find my spirituality. I shall be exercising it all through my journal and with a very special friend i shall learn about the use of words and paint in my craft. I shall get out my sewing machine and get better at that as well.
It could be a good year - i just got to get past this little hiccup.