Friday, 31 December 2010

New Years Eve

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New Years Eve and i am alone : my children are in bed, their father in his room glued to the PC phone with his American girlfriend and i have read, watched some TV, showered, had a couple of drinks and now sit waiting for the midnight hour when the old man will come in to chink glasses and mum will call.

I was feeling quite positive yet at this moment I'm a little down.

Why is new year such a big thing ? Its just another evening, the time wont stand still !

What it is is a chance to look back over the year that has been and shut the door on it - nothing can be changed or altered, nothing taken back or done different.  I think 2010 was a mess for me, i seem to have gone from one man to another in an effort to not be alone.  I had a bad depressive episode that i don't think i really recovered from as it lead to me loosing my job and a boss that i thought was a friend.  My estranged hubby and i had a really rocky beginning to the year but have settled down again of late.  I have spent a lot of time wanting what i cant have and not wanting what i have, i have let myself go in a lot of ways this year and felt terribly sorry for myself.

What a mess eh ?  Still, its new years eve and its also a time to look forward, open the door and walk through.  Make resolutions and try to make them last beyond the first two weeks.

I am going to do more yoga and Pilates, get in some meditation, enjoy a bit of silence each day and count my blessings more often.  I am not going to look for a man I'm going to learn to be alone, i want to see if i can learn tai chi and do some therapy for my obsessional/mad ways.  I am going to "find myself" and learn who i am.  I may get another tattoo and read to my daughter a bit more often.  I am going to be a good friend and trust myself to lean on friends when i need to.  I am going to loose weight and find my spiritual centre.  Make a good go of this new job and force myself to do things to feel good rather than blame my mood on my depression and wallow in it.  I shall look to me for self assurance and be more confident.

Who knows where we will all be next new years eve - i may be thinking : "God what a mess i made of that!" but i may be really pleased and proud with my achievements.  One thing i am definitely going to do is reassess each month and remember that any evening can be a new years eve and every night can be the start of a new start.

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