Monday, 27 December 2010
Don't know what to say on here tonight, my mood has swung from irritable and stressed to suicidal today, and now i am a bit more stable again. Why ? because i have an uncanny ability to destroy any relationships i make with my mood swings, my temper, my insecurity, my put downs, my obsessions, my cutting sarcasm and my inability to be happy with what i have. What else is there if everything about a person is bad ?
I know that the friend that reads this every day will already be planning the email to me detailing all my good points - don't worry, i do know I'm not ALL bad !!
I need to go back to the art of "seeing" in the Buddhist sense and seeing the balance in myself - weighing the good with the bad rather than seeing one to the detriment of the other. I need to do the same in others too, I can get blinded with the good i see in some people and then get disappointed, or pick on the bad and forget to see the good.
OK, so i am having trouble seeing the good in me now !!!
I am confused and complicated, good and bad, loving and really unlikeable, i have few friends but am very loyal to the ones i do have, i can be trusted and confided in, attentive and affectionate, observant, sensitive and funny.
I don't know who i am or what i am doing at the moment - i am in a mess and all at sea. I need to stop and take stock, find myself and learn who i am, maybe then i can be better for those around me and build healthier relationships.