Christmas

 
Its boxing day, the main day we spend weeks prepping for is over and now its all in the recycling or our tummies ! 

I feel a twinge of sadness as i ponder the relationship that ended only a couple of days ago.  I wonder about the honesty of the words spoken and doubt the sincerity of them as it seems to have finished too quick, too soon,  I feel scared about the future and if there will ever be someone to take me as i am and love me completely.

Christmas is a time for looking back and looking forward, as a new year ends and one begins.  Memories are are recalled and re lived, new traditions are made.  Who knows what the future will bring : in my dark days i see a black tunnel with no light and uncertainty that terrifies me, on a lighter day i see a road of possibilities and excitement, new adventures to be had and new lessons to be learnt.

At the end of a relationship i wonder about trusting again and usually build another layer on the wall around my heart.  Yet i know it wont last, i need attention and to believe i am special and important to another human being.  So i will keep the wall for a while until the healing is done, and then, when i am ready, i will edge out from behind.

I don't know what next Christmas will hold, i have the memories from this year tho : my children being creative with Lego and friendship bracelets, their father and i having a drink together with a comedy film in the evening.  Its not been a bad one - and the next week should be nice too. 

I think i will let the future take care of its self, and leave the past where it belongs = behind.  I'm going to live in the present and enjoy this day, this minute, this moment : My daughter is next to me drawing, my son next to her snuggled up to his father and Roger Rabbit on the TV being watched by us all, this is a moment and memory to treasure.

"We want to live in the present and the only history that is worth a tinker's dam is the history we made today."  Henry Ford