Monday, 31 January 2011

The Thankful Heart

View Image
A friend told me today that gratitude makes you feel better.

I'm not so sure but I'm going to give it a go, she says 250 thank yous every morning when she gets up, she wrote them all down and now has them all recorded on to her MP3 player so it plays in her ear while she washes.

What a strange yet appealing idea.

She starts with "thank you that I'm awake", to which i replied "what if you didn't want to wake up?" "say it anyway" she said, then thank you for the day, the weather (whatever it may be doing) and then move on to food, clothes, being able to drive, the house, family and she finishes off thanking for her new friends (me).

She is not thanking anyone in particular but just thanking the world for the day and what it may bring, she has found it good for setting herself up for a day with a thankful heart and a smile on her face.

I think i may start this habit sooner rather than later - i am not convinced it will work this space i guess !!!!!

Sunday, 30 January 2011

Im Back

View Image

 OK, so I'm still here and time stands still from no man (or woman) despite how much i asked for time to stand still or stop all together it refused and one day turned into another and another and so on and so forth.  So I'm still here and still sad although determined to face life this coming week. 

I fear that my main problem is a lack of security.  I'm not secure with my husband because he is really only here because of the children and will leave one day in the future, its not a relationship i can count on.  I don't have a friend or group of girlie's i can call on at any time or trust completely, there is no gang of us going out and partying or staying in and having a laugh, doing whatever it takes to be a support network to each other.  I do have my children, but, i cant really lean on them, its not good for them, they don't need to be my carers.

I have searched for safety in others for years, i think I'm seeking a rocking chair because I'm hoping i will be safe curled up in its wooden frame, but it will only be a quick fix, as is the occasional cigarette, glass of Baileys or meditation time. 

So, where do i find security ?  I looked to God for it for many years and still that hole remained, a good prayer or worship time was again a quick fix but it never seemed to last.  I have decided that the only person i can really find complete safety in is me.  How do i do that ? I really don't know.  I don't know how to protect and look after myself and tell myself that it will all be OK - i wouldn't believe it anyway.

I guess this is the crux of my journey.

Monday, 24 January 2011

Black day 2

View Image
I had a few old mags lying around and today i decided to take the scissors to them.  I have had a very black day, cried lots, eaten more than i should have, thought bad things, regretted and resented, and wished things were different.  I hate to love some people and blamed others, i have wanted to cause myself pain to make penance and wondered where God is in all this shit.  I feel abandoned, neglected, rejected and unloved, unwanted and isolated.  I'm in my bubble and no one sees the pain, the pressure that's building.

These are the words i cut out of the magazines :

big fat
anybody there

Make of those what you will but over the next couple of days they are going to be a journal page entitled "black day".

To "you"
I wish i could be more like you, wish i could be stronger for you, wish i could be with you, wish i could show you how special you are, wish you knew how loved you are, wish you would forgive me, wish you would trust me, wish you would let me in, wish you would treat me better, wish i could trust you, wish you were there for me, wish i could make your life better, wish you could make my life better.
From "me"


View Image
I apologise in advance for this blog, i was not going to write one while in the mood I'm in but i think maybe it will be good for me, so - sorry.

I am a tactile person, i like to be touchy feely and i adore physical attention (not necessarily sexual).  I am desperately lonely right now and weepy, unhappy, isolated and alone.   I miss having my hand held, being cuddled, having my cheek stroked and being kissed, i miss being able to make the other person feel wanted and loved, special and lovely just by a look or a touch when its least expected.

I miss a friendly voice in the night and a warm body to make me feel less alone in the world.  I don't really feel like i have a friend in the world at the mo.  One is wrapped up with family stuff, one blanks me most of the weekend because his girlfriend doesn't like me, and I'm sure any others that spend time with me do it because they just have nothing better to do.  Even my hubby would be happier if i disappeared, he could take the children to USA where his girlfriend is and start a new life without the financial and emotional pressure of the ex wife.

If no one hears you scream in space - who hears me cry at night ???

Saturday, 22 January 2011

Rocking chair

View Image

Saw a rocking chair in a second had shop yesterday that i completely fell in love with.  After mentioning it and its very reasonable price to the old man we went back this morning to get it.  I talked about it all the way there and could barely conceal my excitement as we rounded the corner to the shop entrance.  There it was, not where i left it though.  Now it was on the pavement outside in front of a woman who was smoking.  I pointed and said "that's my chair" as i stood routed to the spot.  The woman then calmly picked up "my" chair and walked off.  I watched it go - devastated.  I wandered around the shop hoping it was not the one and only of its type - but it was, i could have cried.

Have found one similar on eBay now and am waiting to see if i can buy that one - there is always another chance i guess !!!

BTW, i did get a small Buddha figure that i have been wanting for a while.  Will keep you posted about the chair.

Friday, 21 January 2011


View Image

 I had to take my children to the theatre tonight while i was rehearsing.  I rather like taking them out till late at night, they are such a well behaved pair that it makes me very proud.  An older member of the cast told me how good, quiet and well behaved they are - just what every mother loves to hear.

The other reason i like to take them out, particularly at night is because coming home there is a slightly different dynamic between us : maybe more friendly because they feel older ? maybe more together because we are sharing an unusual situation ? it feels really cool.  Tonight we came in, all got in our pyjamas at the same time, all had hot choc together watching some comedy on TV and then the children drifted off to bed and i am going to follow on in a minute.

Its an honour and a privilege to have children, one i don't take lightly, Supernanny is on at the moment - normally i hate the programme because the parents irritate me.  I still feel that now - how can you raise 3 children with no routine, no discipline and no continuity between parents ?  OMG - there are no rules in how to raise a child, but - come on !!!!!!!!!

Anyway, i am proud of my two this day, i have done good with them and i am rewarded.  Therefore - i think i can allow myself to be proud of me too :)

Thursday, 20 January 2011


View Image

"On life's roller coaster, we can live in the valleys between peaks with either positive anticipation or grim endurance.  Faith guides our decision."
I have to remind myself often that when down we can choose to stay there or choose to get up, while we are down we could be positive and think that good things are coming : after all does the sun not always follow the rain ?  Or we could sit in our valley and mope and wonder what else could go wrong !

I am not so sure its religious faith that guides but rather our faith in ourselves - we HAVE to get up, life is to be lived and faced, challenged and rallied against, ridden and enjoyed, if we don't do it for ourselves - no one else can.

I realise today that i also forget how the minority spoil things for the majority :  9/11 does not make all Muslims evil, the holocaust doesn't make all Germans anti Jewish, the Titanic doesn't make all liners sinkable - OK, so the last example was a bit daft - but, you see where i was trying to go with it !!

I need to look beyond stereotypes and media images to see real people, i would want a person to know me rather than judge me on the football hooligans or street gangs.  As much as these people are real, they are the extremes and by no means the norm.

This blog may not have made any sense but to me - its just a couple of things that i thought about today.  Thanks for reading :) xx

Wednesday, 19 January 2011


View Image
This was read by my meditation leader today after a particularly good session following a grotty couple of days.  I don't want to make a comment on it - just read it and see if its relevant for you as it is for me.


There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.One of these days is Yesterday, with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed beyond our control.All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. We cannot undo a single act we performed; we cannot erase a single word we saidYesterday is gone.The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow, with its possible adversaries, its burdens, its large promise and poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond immediate control.Tomorrow's sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds, but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow for it is as yet unborn.This leaves only one day today. Any man can fight the battle of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities.Yesterday and tomorrow, that we break down. It is not the experience of today that drives men mad.It is the remorse or bitterness for something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow will bring.Let us therefore live but one day at a time!
Author Unknown

Tuesday, 18 January 2011


View Image

Security is a strange thing, found in strange places.  For a child its found with their parents, for adults it can be anything:

Money in the bank, a house, a job, a relationship, themselves.

For me - my security is with my children, you can't rely on anyone else or anything material because they always let you down or disappear : a job can fail, as can relationships, the house may have subsidence or damp or be taken away, money never lasts (not in my purse anyway!). 

My children are just that - mine - and they always will be.  Other than the name "mum" the only names i have tattooed on my body are the names of my children.  Often i have thought of having a boyfriends name done - the children's father complained that his was not there but he has decided not to stick around too !  That's not to say some of my tats don't represent people - they do.

My children and i don't have anything else to have security in but each other - my daughter has taken it to an extreme, but however, i don't blame her.  With each passing day recently i realise that nothing is safe, secure or truly to be believed in or trusted.  Its them and me.

Sunday, 16 January 2011

Be Content and Happy

View Image

Two things caught my attention yesterday (Saturday) : my readings on my blessings calendar and a film i saw in the evening called 127 hours.
"In seed time, learn; in harvest, teach; in winter, enjoy." - William Blake

I liked this, read it yesterday and took it through the day with me.  I am not in the winter of my life yet : I'm in the harvest.  I am no teacher for exams but i can teach a three year old to draw their letters and numbers, i can teach my children right from wrong and i can teach myself, before i do reach the winter, to be content with what i have so i can then enjoy.
"...I have learned to be content with whatever i have." - Philippians 4:11
The film was all about realising what you have, noticing those that care about you and not selfishly pushing them away or shutting them out.  Not everything should or can be done alone.  When push comes to shove, as it does in the film - every second counts.  Another thing i take with me into the next working week

Saturday, 15 January 2011

Quiet Heart

Quiet Heart at 800x600

I have been irregular with my posts the last few days, i haven't really known what to say.  It has been put in writing that my husband and i, although married, are not members of the same household and i can claim benefits as a single person.  It makes me sad.  The wind is howling through through the gaps and spaces in the house and it seems to be all i can hear.  The quietness of my life seems deafening, its really just me and my children now and its sobering.

I don't feel I'm depressed but i am subdued, quiet, insular and reluctant to go out.  Not that there is anyone to go out with or to see anyway !

I feel quite calm and together though, even if working on auto pilot.  I am planning a journal page based on my quiet place that i am going to start on very soon and have new ideas for card making that i also want to start soon.  Life and time goes on.

I am lonely, i find Friday evenings the worst.  My last boyfriend used to come up every Friday for the weekend with his son.  Although i sometimes found it too noisy and intrusive i miss the company and someone to have a drink with or watch a film with, someone to be there in the night. 

Anyway, dark days don't last forever and hopefully the spring with break in soon with some colour and warmth (yes the weather and time of year has a lot to do with my moods!) and then things with look better.

Wednesday, 12 January 2011

Meditation 2

LIght blessing2

"Nothing impresses me any more,
save and except
My own deep meditations.

Meditation stops
The sound-loving mind.

To my greatest relief,
I have silenced
My questioning mind.

When I pray,
I feel I am tiny,
very tiny.

When I meditate,
I feel I am vast,
very vast.

When I contemplate,
I feel I am neither tiny nor vast -
I am just a player
Who plays hide and seek with God.

When I pray,
I clearly see that God is coming down
From Above.

When I meditate,
I clearly see that God is already seated
Inside my heart.

My Lord,
When I most intensely pray and meditate,
The world badly misunderstands me.
My Lord, what shall I do?
"My child, you have only one world,
And that world is all love.
It needs neither understanding
Nor misunderstanding."

When we pray and meditate
Sincerely and soulfully,
We receive an open-hearted invitation
From Heaven."     Sri Chinmoy

I found a small local meditation group and went to my first session at lunchtime today.  Never has an hour gone so fast.  The meditation part itself was not more than 20/25 mins but it was so nice i cant find the words.  
At first i found i had twitches and itches and as i fidgeted i worried what the others may be thinking of me.  Then the lady guiding us drew us back to our breath and as i counted my breathes in and out of my body i relaxed and realised that no one else there cared what i was doing, they were all in their own little worlds and the most important,only thing i had to do right there and then was breathe.

It was cleansing to the body, soul and spirit, it refreshed me and comforted me.  I'm sure i fell asleep a couple of times, i appreciated being guided in this time and when we had a time of feed back it was interesting to hear other peoples journeys.

To one lady it was hard to concentrate as she has a lot going on in her life and she could not relax, the leader insisted that she be kind to herself and forgive herself.  If at this time she was unsettled then it was best to acknowledge and accept that and breathe into that physical place where she felt the most unsettled.  Another lady struggled because she was so very tired and could only feel her headache.  Again she was told that if that was the present then live in it, accept it and forgive herself for it.

So much tension comes from feeling guilty, knowing we have so much to do and so little time to do it in that sitting still for half an hour is a bad thing.  Kindness and forgiveness is something we owe to ourselves, live in the present and realise that we are complicated people and that we work better when we give ourselves time to think and feel and accept things.

" about stopping and being present, that is all" Jon Kabat-Zinn

"The present is the only time that any of have to be alive - to know anything - to perceive - to learn -0 to act - to change - to heal"  Jon Kabat-Zinn

Tuesday, 11 January 2011

Happy Place

View Image
I have had a very long and stressful afternoon, i have been tense, shaky, stuttered and got emotional.  At least that's they way i would normally have coped with a meeting at the job centre regarding income support.  I did indeed start that way, however, sitting curled up on a chair, crunched over, leg tapping a faster beat than a mambo and hands shaking like a leaves in the wind.  Then i decided that after all i have tried to do over the last month or so i should put it into practice. 

I shut my eyes and listened to my breathing, making it steady, even and deep.  I pictured a happy peaceful place - it was a sandy beach.  I could feel the sand beneath my toes, hear the waves gently lapping just in front of me.  I was sitting on a blanket with candles planted in the sand and incense burning.  I could smell the incense and see the flickering of the light.  I opened my eyes and looked at the horizon, it was sunset and the sky was burnt orange, red and yellow.  Not another person for miles i sat and enjoyed what my senses beheld. 

After, i was calm and peaceful, able to talk without stuttering and sign my name without shaking (too bad), i didn't get emotional in any way and although i was tense and found it quite a stressful meeting, i handled myself well and was in control.

Sunday, 9 January 2011

Public lives

View Image

There are many people who live their lives out in the public eye, maybe its chosen, maybe not! Whatever, it takes courage to do it.  In the good times I'm sure its fab : celebrities to your party, personal fitness trainers to help with weight and stylists to do your hair and face, nails and skin on a daily basis.  When the bad times roll in - what happens then ? The papers follow every move and people talk about you falling apart or going into rehab, friends turn into enemies to cash in the secrets shared.  Being in the public eye can make you go from peoples friend to the worst person in the world over night.

I'm a big Abba fan - they went from 2 happy married couples to 2 unhappy divorced couples in the ten years they ruled the pop charts.  Their pain is well documented in the songs they wrote and their most popular single (according to a programme recently) is "the winner takes it all" - full of frustration and heartbreak.

I have a lot of time at the moment for Kerry Katona, having lately reached 30 she has had 2 failed marriages,  4 children, drug problems, she is bi polar and has been bankrupt.  However, she has totally turned things around, she has relaxed into being a single parent, stayed clean for months and is working her way up again in the work sector.  I take a lot of strength from her determination to become a better woman and mother and her confidence is catching.

I only have a small world, sometimes that is a good thing, sometimes i wish it was bigger.  But with a lot fewer people watching my life with its ups and downs, i should be able to turn myself around easier.  So i will !!

Saturday, 8 January 2011


View Image
If your born in this dark dreary month of January your birth stone is the garnet - a beautiful deep red stone that generally comes from India.  It can actually be a few different colours but they are rarer than the red.

Gem stones are incredible - if you look into the dark earth and dig down its hard to think that way down deep is the possibility of diamonds and rubies etc.  Would the stones look quite as beautiful if buried and formed out of earth that was while or yellow ?  I don't think so, but there is something important to learn from this : we need the dark times for the light times to shine out.

When we sew with gold thread it will not look nearly so good as it does when surrounded with black.

And so with life, the tunnels we go through are hard work and sometimes its exhausting trying to get to the other end.  Rest assured that even if you cant see the light at the end, it is there.  If it were not then the tunnel would not be a tunnel but normality - it is a tunnel, with a beginning, middle and end.  Remember : there is an end.

Friday, 7 January 2011


View Image

"Who says life is fair, where is that written?" - William Goldman (The Princess Bride)
Life is not fair !  I know that but all the same i hate that !  People leave, friends lie, relations die, relationships fail, bosses sack you, money runs out, pipes burst, cars crash and nature kills. I know that but all the same i hate it - really hate it !

I am feeling that life is unfair this evening.  I have had a good day, a good week, life is pretty OK right now.  I told you - my moods change quickly and without warning.
"A dream doesn't become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination and hard work." - Colin Powell 

Magic is an illusion, life is too to a certain extent.  It only works with a slight of hand and some clever working, manipulation and seeing through the smoke.  Maybe that's a little cynical, sorry.  Sometimes people seem to get all the good stuff for doing nothing and others do so much hard work with lots of determination and dripping in sweat yet get nothing.

And then there are the mistakes and decisions we make but cant change, time does not go back wards and words can not be taken back, or inserted where they were missed !!

I have a friend who says that when the cards dealt are hard to deal then toss them up in the air and say f**k em all.  It makes him feel stronger - that's what I'm saying tonight.
"tomorrow is another day" - Scarlett O'Hara

Thursday, 6 January 2011


View Image
 "To be healthy, after age 30, most males require 2,200 to 3,000 calories, and women, 1,600 to 2,400."
I am trying to get fit and loose weight, along with millions of others at this time of year.  Basically i am just stopping the rubbish - crisps, biscuits, cakes, sweets, chocolate and puddings.  I am eating 3 meals a day and no more.  Its not particularly hard, just common sense.

While searching the web for inspiration for my blog today i came across a site i rather wish i hadn't.  It was a pro anorexia site.  Most of the posts were from girls aged 13 -17 from what i could see.  Photos of virtual children that looked worse than Auschwitz survivors were meant to be motivational and the diets on the site where based on less than 500 calories a day with fasting required every few days and immense exercise routines.  The kids on the site where begging for help and support to loose weight, for friends to talk to and tips and ideas on how to "extreme diet".  I read through a discussion board on how Christmas had been.  I was appalled to read that many of them were gutted to find that purging (purposefully throwing up food) was too noisy with family around so they "had" to digest it and then felt totally disgusted with themselves. 

My little girl is 8 and i cant bear the idea of her finding sites and friends that are pro ana (as its fashionably called now) and i will do my best to influence her in healthy eating when i can.  I refused her a cake this evening saying that if i couldn't neither could she.  She asked why i couldn't have one and i replied that i had eaten way too much of all sorts of bad food over Christmas so was giving my body a rest from it now and hoped to loose some of my tummy so i could have more fun with her in the summer.  She thought that made sense and didn't mention the cake again.

What is it about us humans that make us go to extremes ? why cant we just take things in sensible measures ?
Yes that is aimed at me just as much as you !!

Tuesday, 4 January 2011

The girl with friends

This is the millennium trilogy of books by Swedish author Stieg Larsson, each has been a best seller and made into block buster films.
I have just finished the last one - they are fantastic, the first introduces the main characters and joins them together and the next two are a continuation of each other. All three have threads that link and are so brilliantly written you just have to read them in as big a chunks as possible.

I have loved the story of Salander and Blomkvist and feel a sense of sadness and loss now that i have had to leave their lives, they had become so real to me.  It must have been the same for the author, having written all three together he dropped the manuscripts to the publisher and died suddenly not long after.  Never knowing the fame the books and their films would achieve, that's sad in itself.

I feel a bit cheated in a way - i have known and cared about these people, their relationships and lives.  Now they are gone and i have no choice but to go back to a time before they existed.  Am i better off for having known them ?  I cant say (they were only fictional at the end of the day) but i can say that real friends that come and go do leave their prints on my life.  Old school friends who stay in touch occasionally despite the years since we met, old church friends who still remember my children's birthdays just because they are mine, and friends who where there to support and comfort at some of the most crucial times in my life but have moved on for we actually have little in common.

I have new friends now - i realised today that they actually really like me too.! I am worthy to have friends and they value my small part in their lives - i feel really good this evening and rather than alone, i am surrounded by friends (not physically !) :o)

Monday, 3 January 2011


View Image

 I feel quite sober this evening, everything is changing.  I have to make packed lunches in a bit, get up earlier, get my children off to school and their father to work.  School holidays sometimes go so quick yet the Christmas one is a long one i feel : maybe because there is such a lead up and so much gets packed in.

There are other changes too : i am near the end of a book that is the third in a trilogy and as all loose ends start to tie up i fear i will miss the characters.  I did a first rehearsal for Cranford today and realised that i don't really know any one in the cast - that's strange for me.  I'm drinking white hot chocolate, didn't even know they did white (BTW its fab) !

I am nervous now.  I have been positive and looking forward to what the new year would hold until now, it is here, it has arrived.  Normality is about to descend - am i ready ??

I don't like change as a normal thing, yet i think i am ready for this.  A while back i wrote a blog on change based on the sea.  I stated that "change is momentary and not permanent", how very true, for i know now that by tomorrow evening the Christmas holidays will be a memory.  The school run, Coffee with friends, house stuff, school run, dinner, children's classes at gym followed by their bed time, TV and bed for me : The normal general routine that we have been doing for the last few years now.  It may seem strange at first but not for long.

That is the essence of change - it is a scary thought but once its here - its done.  Reality sets in, the past is just that - the past.  Just as the caterpillar is once the butterfly is born.

Sunday, 2 January 2011


"I'm looking to the sky to save me, looking for a sign of life
Looking for something (to) help me burn out bright
I'm looking for a complication
Looking ‘cause I'm tired of trying
Make my way back home when I learn to fly high
Make my way back home when I learn to

Fly along with me, I can't quite make it alone
Try to make this life my own
Fly along with me, I can't quite make it alone
Try to make this life my own"

This is the chorus and bridge of a song that was shared with me at a time of great pain in a friends life, it came to mean a lot to us both.  The idea of learning to fly was a dream we shared and for a while we flew together.  As these things happen though, my friend grew strong and without the ties of family that i have he flew on without me.  In the end i, with wings clipped, watched him go ! He is still flying now.

I am unable to fly, or escape, with children and responsibilities i am tied.  I can't run away or hide either, and i can no longer try to live between the two !

I admit there have been times i have resented having babies and a home that stop me travelling, partying or hiding under the duvet for weeks at a time.  However, my children are my reason for being alive and why I'm still here, without them, several times i would not have stopped...............and with an addictive nature, who knows where i may have ended up!

I will have my time when the children grow up and they have learnt to fly, right now they need me to teach them and that is an important job. Then i will pass my motorbike test, buy a Harley Davidson and ride the world !!

Saturday, 1 January 2011


View Image
My mobile phone has never been so quiet : i had 1 text today from an elderly female friend of mine to say happy new year and that was it.  I seriously cant remember when i only had 1 message in a day.

Part of me feels lonely and empty - a quiet phone means no one wanting, needing or thinking of me ! Yet more importantly it means I'm not obsessing over anyone, not waiting for some man to text me or wondering why i haven't heard from them for a couple of hours.  I actually feel free, and at peace.  I am relaxed, because i am not on tender hooks or panicking - my insecurities don't need pandering too as i don't have a relationship to be insecure about. 

I still check it every few minutes but that's just habit, however, the silence that i feel inside my head and heart is strangely healing and feels rather nice.  I have not been irritable or stressed, i have spent valuable time with my children rather than snapping that I'm busy, when I'm not really, I'm just thinking of someone else, terrified that because they have not replied to my text sent half hour ago it could be over. 

I am a real sad case aren't i ? I am going to try and wean myself off day time TV too, make the effort to spend time in silence, maybe it will motivate me to do housework (LOL!!!) or exercise or just go out for a walk.  I may even leave my mobile at home !!

PS - i wore my pink jumper today and smiled a lot ;o)