Sunday, 6 November 2011
I havent written in this journal for months, infact its taken me about half an hour to find it !!!
I have struggled a lot this year with severe mood swings, debilitating depression and self harm episodes.
I have wondered why each and every year seems to get worse, why i take more anti depressents now than when i was first diagnosed. I ache more, am more tired and have more upset tummy's - it cant be right, cant just be my age and i dont believe anything physically is wrong with me either.
I dont know if i have found an answer but im definitaly back on my jouney, a path to spiritual and emotional healing. I have started focusing on eating healthier and loosing wieght, also 2 months ago i went back to reading the bible on a daily basis, from there i started praying more, then i started attending church with my daughter. I was desperate to have a talk with my "spiritual" friend and i wasnt disapointed.
Her first suggestion was to look inside and find my inner strength - give her a name and draw her out. I cant remember ever looking inside myself and it wasnt easy, but, when i did, i found a grumpy old woman taking up most of the space spouting lots of negative junk. And in a box in the corner there was my inner strength - Arianna, a winged young girl who was unable to be free. I spend so much time listening to the gumpy old woman i hadnt noticed it was all i heard. She had taken up residence within me - taking presidence over anything else.
I think if i could just shut her up and let Arianna out of her box i would find myself more positive, more hopeful and maybe even more healthy in some way.
I have started investigating another bit of the journey but for now i just want to concentrate on pushing the nag into the corner and trying to set free my inner strength - i feel it may be a first step back on to my journey to enlightenment and freedom.
As a by line, i just looked the name Arianna up and its Italian meaning is "very holy" - wow, its a sign i think.