Tuesday, 21 December 2010
"Do you want the good news or the bad?" people say. Why does one always go with the other? I had some good news about a new job i start in January, yet following a black day on Sunday witnessed for the first time by an outsider to my immediate family i fear i may have lost someone close to me.
I know those days are hard to cope with, to understand or even to come to terms with and the climax on a day like that can almost cause post traumatic stress syndrome for the on-looker. Once i cry I'm generally over the worst of it but then like a hangover i realise what i have done, who i have hurt and due to being uni polar i hit suicidal in less than half a second. I know what brought it on, i know the symptoms but seem trapped and cant escape, I'm unable to behave any different to the way i know.
Now i deal with the consequences : make my apologies and try to explain the unexplainable : the bubble of blackness that i can not see out of until i completely loose control in what ever way if manifests itself - anger usually, occasionally self harm or hysteria.
I look back and know what and where it started, and wonder why i didn't try to stop it when i could have and maybe controlled and changed my mentality or even asked for help. I didn't and cant really say why. I have a first appointment with a counselor just after Christmas - maybe that will help. The best way would be to take away one of the triggers for my episodes but every level of my being rejects that idea.
Its passed now and i feel stable and composed, i just hope those around me will stick around and help me to maybe stop it before it starts next time or at least be there to ride the storm and keep me safe.
I think that's maybe a pathetic, selfish thing to say. I wont give up tho, i will keep trying to improve myself, find a way to get a control on my extreme emotions and deal with them before i dive off the deep end, maybe even get off the tablets. Please bear with me.