Tuesday, 30 November 2010


I went to a rock concert last night, its a long time since i went to anything like that, even a night club.  I had forgotten how alive the bass beat feels.  To dance is the most free i feel, its totally liberating, like nothing else ever.

This morning i feel at least twenty years older than i am : my feet hurt, back aches and I'm soooo tired.  I'm also now alone rather than being one of thousands all loving the same music.  Its a bit of a come down !

However, the new me looks at the moment and tries to see the good in it : 1) The snow looks beautiful, 2) I had an unexpected visitor this morning with bacon for sarnies, 3) I have my card making stuff out which i am good at, 4) Christmas is on its way, 5) My children will be home in a few hours, and of course 6) last night is a fantastic memory.

I rather like this new me - I am looking for the sun and seeing the positives rather than hiding from it and studying the negative.  I think its a case of accepting that with every moment things change, from the way we are thinking to what we are looking at and even what our internal organs are doing.  As such, in every short minute something good is to be seen and something bad too : someone somewhere is being born, getting married, being told there is nothing that can be done or being buried.

Acceptance is seeing, and i think, for me, its knowing the negative but concentrating on the positive.

Monday, 29 November 2010


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I love bubbles.

Bubble baths that smell of lavender, bubbles in fizzy drinks fascinate me, bubbles show life with fish and babies learn to blow them and make themselves jump when they pop.  Soap bubbles are soft and cleansing, while there are world records for bubble gum bubbles.  Magicians create bubble tunnels and rings they can climb into and muddy puddles just beg to be jumped in making bubbles of their own.

Life can be a bubble, specially a this time of year when we all cozy up in our own homes with blankets and central heating and family around us.  Religion can also be a bubble for some.

I often relate a depressive episode with a personal bubble.  Its a totally isolating time that no one sees or feels except me.  From inside its similar to being under water with muted sound, blurred vision and pressure all around.  The pain is intense and unrelenting, the stress too much to bare and i can barely get out of bed some days.  The bubble that is me quickly becomes a bubble within a bubble as I close up the house too.  Unable to go outside, look into peoples eyes or face the sun.  Sometimes the only one who can reach me is my son.

I want freedom from bubbles, I want to be free from the trappings of the enclosed life.  There has to be more to find and more to see.  Please let me be "awakened".

Saturday, 27 November 2010

Good vs Bad

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I always thought i knew good from bad and have brought my children up understanding my understanding of that difference.  Today i read that someones good may be someone else's bad : confusing ? tell me about it !!!

For example - some believe that to smack a child as a last resort is a good thing, to teach discipline and respect.  For others it is bad and takes away that child's humanity and free spirit.
What are our intentions behind our judgements of what is good or bad though?  In the above example the intentions on either side is good, however to vote for the former by someone with a violent anger issue would not be so good.
"Most of us, most of the time, tend to act with intent, trying to bring about some desired end.  But nature doesn't act with intent.  A Buddha doesn't either.  Acting without intent means acting out of wholeness - out of seeing the whole."
I rarely examine the reasons behind my knowledge of good vs bad.  Maybe i should.  Some things that i see as good may well be bad for someone in a different culture or living with different conditions.

Friday, 26 November 2010


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I went to a "body balance" class today, it felt really good.  I stretched mussels i didn't know i had, breathed deep and steady and relaxed completely.  It was soooo nice.

I once was told that the human person is made of 4 parts : physical, spiritual, mental and emotional.  If we can keep them all in balance we will run like a brand new car, otherwise............i guess we are back to the out of kilter wheel !!!!

Judging by how ungainly i looked in the gym mirrors (see above picture!) my physical being is rather out of shape (I shall get to that in the new year!) My spiritual is relatively steady and not in either extreme of religious fever.  Mentally I'm kept "normal" by the meds.

It is the emotional i want to deal with at the moment.  I want to be able to cope with life in the real world rather than retreat into myself and shut out the world.  I want to deal with my panic attacks and high stress levels with a clear mind and a regular breathing pattern.  That way i can stop blaming my condition and start taking responsibility for myself. 

"Its about time too " i hear some of you say, well, i may not be too balanced just yet but I'm working on it, be patient and watch this space.

Thursday, 25 November 2010


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I let an old wound reopen today, it brought pain, regret and a desperate wish for things to be different.

I was reading my book on Buddhism later and learnt of duhkha (doo-ka) which is life being like a wheel out of kilter.  I think that is a pretty good image of my mental state.

I take medication to correct the chemical imbalance in my head, but according to the book the way to straighten things is the SEE because :
"truth comes to us through seeing"
I need to see that wound for what it is now not what caused it so long ago.  I should leave the scab to heal rather than keep picking at it like a child.
"we can only deal with pain by facing it squarely"
If i face that pain i know it really belongs in the past and it is self indulgent to still be feeling it.  Life changes and moves on, we can look at the past but should not stare.

I wont forget that wound, its a scar that will be with me forever, however, today must be lived because: today is real, and today is truth, and today is.............well..............today !!!!

Wednesday, 24 November 2010


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Happiness - what's that about ?

Something we all strive for, all look for, in very different places : In clothes or shoe shops, in drink or drugs, in being a member of an elite club, in having the perfect body or house.

Me ? I always find it in others and the attention they pay me.  I suppose I am happiest when I'm the centre of someone else's world.  From Mum to my husband with various leaders, teachers and friends in between.  My need be dependent on someone is a craving and obsession.  The climax of which is of course my children.  Love as a mother for your baby is all consuming and its ok to be completely obsessed with them, it doesn't suffocate them, or cause them to pull away.  Its just returned tenfold.

Is all the clinging to others just me giving up the authority to create my own happiness ?  Expecting others to do it for me ?
"Look not for refuge to anyone beside yourself..........In other words you're fully prepared for anything that might come along"
Its time I took charge of me and my life, found comfort and acceptance in what and who I am and realised that I am my own refuge and can fulfil my own needs.


That is something to meditate on.

Tuesday, 23 November 2010

Religion vs Beliefs

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Ok, so, this is the first day on a journey i have been thinking about for a while now.  Been thinking really deeply lately, trying to equate my medicated depression and emotional mood swings with faith and religion.  Can it be done in this modern day n age ? Can a person achieve distance from yet be part of the world ?

I know and understand the Christian faith, i have lived the life and walked its path.  It appeals to the religious side of me, i still believe in God and Jesus, the crucifixion and the resurrection.
I really don't feel it touches my mental "mess" tho and the Buddhism book and sites i have been looking at do.  The idea of being self sufficient in an emotional way and calm in a mental way is terribly appealing, and to rely on myself rather than others or a God i cant see is a new and curious idea.
Can you mix two religions into one faith so a person can have a belief system that is as individual as they are ?

WHY NOT !!!!!

We are all different so why should one faith fit all ??