Sunday, 30 January 2011
OK, so I'm still here and time stands still from no man (or woman) despite how much i asked for time to stand still or stop all together it refused and one day turned into another and another and so on and so forth. So I'm still here and still sad although determined to face life this coming week.
I fear that my main problem is a lack of security. I'm not secure with my husband because he is really only here because of the children and will leave one day in the future, its not a relationship i can count on. I don't have a friend or group of girlie's i can call on at any time or trust completely, there is no gang of us going out and partying or staying in and having a laugh, doing whatever it takes to be a support network to each other. I do have my children, but, i cant really lean on them, its not good for them, they don't need to be my carers.
I have searched for safety in others for years, i think I'm seeking a rocking chair because I'm hoping i will be safe curled up in its wooden frame, but it will only be a quick fix, as is the occasional cigarette, glass of Baileys or meditation time.
So, where do i find security ? I looked to God for it for many years and still that hole remained, a good prayer or worship time was again a quick fix but it never seemed to last. I have decided that the only person i can really find complete safety in is me. How do i do that ? I really don't know. I don't know how to protect and look after myself and tell myself that it will all be OK - i wouldn't believe it anyway.
I guess this is the crux of my journey.