I had a few old mags lying around and today i decided to take the scissors to them. I have had a very black day, cried lots, eaten more than i should have, thought bad things, regretted and resented, and wished things were different. I hate to love some people and blamed others, i have wanted to cause myself pain to make penance and wondered where God is in all this shit. I feel abandoned, neglected, rejected and unloved, unwanted and isolated. I'm in my bubble and no one sees the pain, the pressure that's building.
These are the words i cut out of the magazines :
black
dumb
stupid
frightened
wallowing
lose
scrap
alone
nothing
mud
only
off
big fat
out
escape
lost
anybody there
need
limited
weight
love
pain
guilty
normal
winter
mind
unsettling
subzero
pointless
time
died
suffering
less
scary
separation
mother
hell
single
grief
Make of those what you will but over the next couple of days they are going to be a journal page entitled "black day".
To "you"
I wish i could be more like you, wish i could be stronger for you, wish i could be with you, wish i could show you how special you are, wish you knew how loved you are, wish you would forgive me, wish you would trust me, wish you would let me in, wish you would treat me better, wish i could trust you, wish you were there for me, wish i could make your life better, wish you could make my life better.
From "me"
I am very glad you have cut all those words and are going to journal them. this is part of the process of healing. You do no need to wish to be like someone else: you are unique as YOU. And are loved (more than you will allow yourself to acknowledge)because you are uniquely you. Please be kind to yourself. You are where you are; stop, give yourself a hug and cry. Your bubble is protecting you, don't fight it. You are a very strong character, just keep putting one foot in front of the other: it will get better, easier. Love you lots my little fairy. x
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