Sunday, 6 November 2011

Day 1

I havent written in this journal for months, infact its taken me about half an hour to find it !!!

I have struggled a lot this year with severe mood swings, debilitating depression and self harm episodes.

I have wondered why each and every year seems to get worse, why i take more anti depressents now than when i was first diagnosed.  I ache more, am more tired and have more upset tummy's - it cant be right, cant just be my age and i dont believe anything physically is wrong with me either.

I dont know if i have found an answer but im definitaly back on my jouney, a path to spiritual and emotional healing.  I have started focusing on eating healthier and loosing wieght, also 2 months ago i went back to reading the bible on a daily basis, from there i started praying more, then i started attending church with my daughter.  I was desperate to have a talk with my "spiritual" friend and i wasnt disapointed. 

Her first suggestion was to look inside and find my inner strength - give her a name and draw her out.  I cant remember ever looking inside myself  and it wasnt easy, but, when i did, i found a grumpy old woman taking up most of the space spouting lots of negative junk.  And in a box in the corner there was my inner strength - Arianna, a winged young girl who was unable to be free.  I spend so much time listening to the gumpy old woman i hadnt noticed it was all i heard.  She had taken up residence within me - taking presidence over anything else.

I think if i could just shut her up and let Arianna out of her box i would find myself more positive, more hopeful and maybe even more healthy in some way.

I have started investigating another bit of the journey but for now i just want to concentrate on pushing the nag into the corner and trying to set free my inner strength - i feel it may be a first step back on to my journey to enlightenment and freedom.

As a by line, i just looked the name Arianna up and its Italian meaning is "very holy" - wow, its a sign i think.


  1. Gill
    sometimes just being able to share your thoughts is a therapy of sorts? Brave anyway :0)
    I have my own struggle with anxiety and depression, and just feeling that you're not alone can help :0)
    One day at a time.....every day I have an internal dialogue, trying to convince myself that I CAN and I WILL.....some days more successful than others ;0)
    There is no quick fix...unfortunately....but you are a're still here.....keep going, honey :0) xxx xxx

  2. You are a fighter, little Gill. I am so glad that you are on your new spiritual journey. I really believe the key to setting Arianna free, is within you. Well done for starting a new blog. I know it is not easy baring our inner thoughts... x