The Thankful Heart

 
A friend told me today that gratitude makes you feel better.

I'm not so sure but I'm going to give it a go, she says 250 thank yous every morning when she gets up, she wrote them all down and now has them all recorded on to her MP3 player so it plays in her ear while she washes.

What a strange yet appealing idea.

She starts with "thank you that I'm awake", to which i replied "what if you didn't want to wake up?" "say it anyway" she said, then thank you for the day, the weather (whatever it may be doing) and then move on to food, clothes, being able to drive, the house, family and she finishes off thanking for her new friends (me).

She is not thanking anyone in particular but just thanking the world for the day and what it may bring, she has found it good for setting herself up for a day with a thankful heart and a smile on her face.

I think i may start this habit sooner rather than later - i am not convinced it will work but..........watch this space i guess !!!!!

Im Back

 OK, so I'm still here and time stands still from no man (or woman) despite how much i asked for time to stand still or stop all together it refused and one day turned into another and another and so on and so forth.  So I'm still here and still sad although determined to face life this coming week. 

I fear that my main problem is a lack of security.  I'm not secure with my husband because he is really only here because of the children and will leave one day in the future, its not a relationship i can count on.  I don't have a friend or group of girlie's i can call on at any time or trust completely, there is no gang of us going out and partying or staying in and having a laugh, doing whatever it takes to be a support network to each other.  I do have my children, but, i cant really lean on them, its not good for them, they don't need to be my carers.

I have searched for safety in others for years, i think I'm seeking a rocking chair because I'm hoping i will be safe curled up in its wooden frame, but it will only be a quick fix, as is the occasional cigarette, glass of Baileys or meditation time. 

So, where do i find security ?  I looked to God for it for many years and still that hole remained, a good prayer or worship time was again a quick fix but it never seemed to last.  I have decided that the only person i can really find complete safety in is me.  How do i do that ? I really don't know.  I don't know how to protect and look after myself and tell myself that it will all be OK - i wouldn't believe it anyway.

I guess this is the crux of my journey.

Black day 2

 
I had a few old mags lying around and today i decided to take the scissors to them.  I have had a very black day, cried lots, eaten more than i should have, thought bad things, regretted and resented, and wished things were different.  I hate to love some people and blamed others, i have wanted to cause myself pain to make penance and wondered where God is in all this shit.  I feel abandoned, neglected, rejected and unloved, unwanted and isolated.  I'm in my bubble and no one sees the pain, the pressure that's building.

These are the words i cut out of the magazines :


black
dumb
stupid
frightened
wallowing
lose
scrap
alone
nothing
mud
only
off
big fat
out
escape
lost
anybody there
need
limited
weight
love
pain
guilty
normal
winter
mind
unsettling
subzero
pointless
time
died
suffering
less
scary
separation
mother
hell
single
grief

Make of those what you will but over the next couple of days they are going to be a journal page entitled "black day".

To "you"
I wish i could be more like you, wish i could be stronger for you, wish i could be with you, wish i could show you how special you are, wish you knew how loved you are, wish you would forgive me, wish you would trust me, wish you would let me in, wish you would treat me better, wish i could trust you, wish you were there for me, wish i could make your life better, wish you could make my life better.
From "me"

Crying

 
I apologise in advance for this blog, i was not going to write one while in the mood I'm in but i think maybe it will be good for me, so - sorry.

I am a tactile person, i like to be touchy feely and i adore physical attention (not necessarily sexual).  I am desperately lonely right now and weepy, unhappy, isolated and alone.   I miss having my hand held, being cuddled, having my cheek stroked and being kissed, i miss being able to make the other person feel wanted and loved, special and lovely just by a look or a touch when its least expected.

I miss a friendly voice in the night and a warm body to make me feel less alone in the world.  I don't really feel like i have a friend in the world at the mo.  One is wrapped up with family stuff, one blanks me most of the weekend because his girlfriend doesn't like me, and I'm sure any others that spend time with me do it because they just have nothing better to do.  Even my hubby would be happier if i disappeared, he could take the children to USA where his girlfriend is and start a new life without the financial and emotional pressure of the ex wife.

If no one hears you scream in space - who hears me cry at night ???

Rocking chair

Saw a rocking chair in a second had shop yesterday that i completely fell in love with.  After mentioning it and its very reasonable price to the old man we went back this morning to get it.  I talked about it all the way there and could barely conceal my excitement as we rounded the corner to the shop entrance.  There it was, not where i left it though.  Now it was on the pavement outside in front of a woman who was smoking.  I pointed and said "that's my chair" as i stood routed to the spot.  The woman then calmly picked up "my" chair and walked off.  I watched it go - devastated.  I wandered around the shop hoping it was not the one and only of its type - but it was, i could have cried.

Have found one similar on eBay now and am waiting to see if i can buy that one - there is always another chance i guess !!!

BTW, i did get a small Buddha figure that i have been wanting for a while.  Will keep you posted about the chair.

Pride

 I had to take my children to the theatre tonight while i was rehearsing.  I rather like taking them out till late at night, they are such a well behaved pair that it makes me very proud.  An older member of the cast told me how good, quiet and well behaved they are - just what every mother loves to hear.

The other reason i like to take them out, particularly at night is because coming home there is a slightly different dynamic between us : maybe more friendly because they feel older ? maybe more together because we are sharing an unusual situation ? it feels really cool.  Tonight we came in, all got in our pyjamas at the same time, all had hot choc together watching some comedy on TV and then the children drifted off to bed and i am going to follow on in a minute.

Its an honour and a privilege to have children, one i don't take lightly, Supernanny is on at the moment - normally i hate the programme because the parents irritate me.  I still feel that now - how can you raise 3 children with no routine, no discipline and no continuity between parents ?  OMG - there are no rules in how to raise a child, but - come on !!!!!!!!!

Anyway, i am proud of my two this day, i have done good with them and i am rewarded.  Therefore - i think i can allow myself to be proud of me too :)

Thoughts

"On life's roller coaster, we can live in the valleys between peaks with either positive anticipation or grim endurance.  Faith guides our decision."

I have to remind myself often that when down we can choose to stay there or choose to get up, while we are down we could be positive and think that good things are coming : after all does the sun not always follow the rain ?  Or we could sit in our valley and mope and wonder what else could go wrong !

I am not so sure its religious faith that guides but rather our faith in ourselves - we HAVE to get up, life is to be lived and faced, challenged and rallied against, ridden and enjoyed, if we don't do it for ourselves - no one else can.

I realise today that i also forget how the minority spoil things for the majority :  9/11 does not make all Muslims evil, the holocaust doesn't make all Germans anti Jewish, the Titanic doesn't make all liners sinkable - OK, so the last example was a bit daft - but, you see where i was trying to go with it !!

I need to look beyond stereotypes and media images to see real people, i would want a person to know me rather than judge me on the football hooligans or street gangs.  As much as these people are real, they are the extremes and by no means the norm.

This blog may not have made any sense but to me - its just a couple of things that i thought about today.  Thanks for reading :) xx