Poem

 
This was read by my meditation leader today after a particularly good session following a grotty couple of days.  I don't want to make a comment on it - just read it and see if its relevant for you as it is for me.

Yesterday....Today.....Tomorrow  

There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.One of these days is Yesterday, with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed beyond our control.All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. We cannot undo a single act we performed; we cannot erase a single word we saidYesterday is gone.The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow, with its possible adversaries, its burdens, its large promise and poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond immediate control.Tomorrow's sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds, but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow for it is as yet unborn.This leaves only one day today. Any man can fight the battle of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities.Yesterday and tomorrow, that we break down. It is not the experience of today that drives men mad.It is the remorse or bitterness for something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow will bring.Let us therefore live but one day at a time!

Author Unknown

Security

Security is a strange thing, found in strange places.  For a child its found with their parents, for adults it can be anything:

Money in the bank, a house, a job, a relationship, themselves.

For me - my security is with my children, you can't rely on anyone else or anything material because they always let you down or disappear : a job can fail, as can relationships, the house may have subsidence or damp or be taken away, money never lasts (not in my purse anyway!). 

My children are just that - mine - and they always will be.  Other than the name "mum" the only names i have tattooed on my body are the names of my children.  Often i have thought of having a boyfriends name done - the children's father complained that his was not there but he has decided not to stick around too !  That's not to say some of my tats don't represent people - they do.

My children and i don't have anything else to have security in but each other - my daughter has taken it to an extreme, but however, i don't blame her.  With each passing day recently i realise that nothing is safe, secure or truly to be believed in or trusted.  Its them and me.

Be Content and Happy

Two things caught my attention yesterday (Saturday) : my readings on my blessings calendar and a film i saw in the evening called 127 hours.

"In seed time, learn; in harvest, teach; in winter, enjoy." - William Blake

I liked this, read it yesterday and took it through the day with me.  I am not in the winter of my life yet : I'm in the harvest.  I am no teacher for exams but i can teach a three year old to draw their letters and numbers, i can teach my children right from wrong and i can teach myself, before i do reach the winter, to be content with what i have so i can then enjoy.

"...I have learned to be content with whatever i have." - Philippians 4:11

The film was all about realising what you have, noticing those that care about you and not selfishly pushing them away or shutting them out.  Not everything should or can be done alone.  When push comes to shove, as it does in the film - every second counts.  Another thing i take with me into the next working week

Quiet Heart

I have been irregular with my posts the last few days, i haven't really known what to say.  It has been put in writing that my husband and i, although married, are not members of the same household and i can claim benefits as a single person.  It makes me sad.  The wind is howling through through the gaps and spaces in the house and it seems to be all i can hear.  The quietness of my life seems deafening, its really just me and my children now and its sobering.

I don't feel I'm depressed but i am subdued, quiet, insular and reluctant to go out.  Not that there is anyone to go out with or to see anyway !

I feel quite calm and together though, even if working on auto pilot.  I am planning a journal page based on my quiet place that i am going to start on very soon and have new ideas for card making that i also want to start soon.  Life and time goes on.

I am lonely, i find Friday evenings the worst.  My last boyfriend used to come up every Friday for the weekend with his son.  Although i sometimes found it too noisy and intrusive i miss the company and someone to have a drink with or watch a film with, someone to be there in the night. 

Anyway, dark days don't last forever and hopefully the spring with break in soon with some colour and warmth (yes the weather and time of year has a lot to do with my moods!) and then things with look better.

Meditation 2

"Nothing impresses me any more,
save and except
My own deep meditations.

Meditation stops
The sound-loving mind.

To my greatest relief,
I have silenced
My questioning mind.

When I pray,
I feel I am tiny,
very tiny.

When I meditate,
I feel I am vast,
very vast.

When I contemplate,
I feel I am neither tiny nor vast -
I am just a player
Who plays hide and seek with God.

When I pray,
I clearly see that God is coming down
From Above.

When I meditate,
I clearly see that God is already seated
Inside my heart.

My Lord,
When I most intensely pray and meditate,
The world badly misunderstands me.
My Lord, what shall I do?
"My child, you have only one world,
And that world is all love.
It needs neither understanding
Nor misunderstanding."

When we pray and meditate
Sincerely and soulfully,
We receive an open-hearted invitation
From Heaven."     Sri Chinmoy

I found a small local meditation group and went to my first session at lunchtime today.  Never has an hour gone so fast.  The meditation part itself was not more than 20/25 mins but it was so nice i cant find the words.  

At first i found i had twitches and itches and as i fidgeted i worried what the others may be thinking of me.  Then the lady guiding us drew us back to our breath and as i counted my breathes in and out of my body i relaxed and realised that no one else there cared what i was doing, they were all in their own little worlds and the most important,only thing i had to do right there and then was breathe.

It was cleansing to the body, soul and spirit, it refreshed me and comforted me.  I'm sure i fell asleep a couple of times, i appreciated being guided in this time and when we had a time of feed back it was interesting to hear other peoples journeys.

To one lady it was hard to concentrate as she has a lot going on in her life and she could not relax, the leader insisted that she be kind to herself and forgive herself.  If at this time she was unsettled then it was best to acknowledge and accept that and breathe into that physical place where she felt the most unsettled.  Another lady struggled because she was so very tired and could only feel her headache.  Again she was told that if that was the present then live in it, accept it and forgive herself for it.

So much tension comes from feeling guilty, knowing we have so much to do and so little time to do it in that sitting still for half an hour is a bad thing.  Kindness and forgiveness is something we owe to ourselves, live in the present and realise that we are complicated people and that we work better when we give ourselves time to think and feel and accept things.

"Meditation....is about stopping and being present, that is all" Jon Kabat-Zinn

"The present is the only time that any of have to be alive - to know anything - to perceive - to learn -0 to act - to change - to heal"  Jon Kabat-Zinn

Happy Place

 
I have had a very long and stressful afternoon, i have been tense, shaky, stuttered and got emotional.  At least that's they way i would normally have coped with a meeting at the job centre regarding income support.  I did indeed start that way, however, sitting curled up on a chair, crunched over, leg tapping a faster beat than a mambo and hands shaking like a leaves in the wind.  Then i decided that after all i have tried to do over the last month or so i should put it into practice. 

I shut my eyes and listened to my breathing, making it steady, even and deep.  I pictured a happy peaceful place - it was a sandy beach.  I could feel the sand beneath my toes, hear the waves gently lapping just in front of me.  I was sitting on a blanket with candles planted in the sand and incense burning.  I could smell the incense and see the flickering of the light.  I opened my eyes and looked at the horizon, it was sunset and the sky was burnt orange, red and yellow.  Not another person for miles i sat and enjoyed what my senses beheld. 

After, i was calm and peaceful, able to talk without stuttering and sign my name without shaking (too bad), i didn't get emotional in any way and although i was tense and found it quite a stressful meeting, i handled myself well and was in control.

Public lives

There are many people who live their lives out in the public eye, maybe its chosen, maybe not! Whatever, it takes courage to do it.  In the good times I'm sure its fab : celebrities to your party, personal fitness trainers to help with weight and stylists to do your hair and face, nails and skin on a daily basis.  When the bad times roll in - what happens then ? The papers follow every move and people talk about you falling apart or going into rehab, friends turn into enemies to cash in the secrets shared.  Being in the public eye can make you go from peoples friend to the worst person in the world over night.

I'm a big Abba fan - they went from 2 happy married couples to 2 unhappy divorced couples in the ten years they ruled the pop charts.  Their pain is well documented in the songs they wrote and their most popular single (according to a programme recently) is "the winner takes it all" - full of frustration and heartbreak.

I have a lot of time at the moment for Kerry Katona, having lately reached 30 she has had 2 failed marriages,  4 children, drug problems, she is bi polar and has been bankrupt.  However, she has totally turned things around, she has relaxed into being a single parent, stayed clean for months and is working her way up again in the work sector.  I take a lot of strength from her determination to become a better woman and mother and her confidence is catching.

I only have a small world, sometimes that is a good thing, sometimes i wish it was bigger.  But with a lot fewer people watching my life with its ups and downs, i should be able to turn myself around easier.  So i will !!