Day 1

I havent written in this journal for months, infact its taken me about half an hour to find it !!!

I have struggled a lot this year with severe mood swings, debilitating depression and self harm episodes.

I have wondered why each and every year seems to get worse, why i take more anti depressents now than when i was first diagnosed.  I ache more, am more tired and have more upset tummy's - it cant be right, cant just be my age and i dont believe anything physically is wrong with me either.

I dont know if i have found an answer but im definitaly back on my jouney, a path to spiritual and emotional healing.  I have started focusing on eating healthier and loosing wieght, also 2 months ago i went back to reading the bible on a daily basis, from there i started praying more, then i started attending church with my daughter.  I was desperate to have a talk with my "spiritual" friend and i wasnt disapointed. 

Her first suggestion was to look inside and find my inner strength - give her a name and draw her out.  I cant remember ever looking inside myself  and it wasnt easy, but, when i did, i found a grumpy old woman taking up most of the space spouting lots of negative junk.  And in a box in the corner there was my inner strength - Arianna, a winged young girl who was unable to be free.  I spend so much time listening to the gumpy old woman i hadnt noticed it was all i heard.  She had taken up residence within me - taking presidence over anything else.

I think if i could just shut her up and let Arianna out of her box i would find myself more positive, more hopeful and maybe even more healthy in some way.

I have started investigating another bit of the journey but for now i just want to concentrate on pushing the nag into the corner and trying to set free my inner strength - i feel it may be a first step back on to my journey to enlightenment and freedom.

As a by line, i just looked the name Arianna up and its Italian meaning is "very holy" - wow, its a sign i think.

Chinese

I have had a fascination with China recently (the country!) and have been reading up on it as well as looking at learning the language.  Writing Chinese is not easy, it looks beautifully artistic and i would love to get a grasp on it.  However, there is no alphabet in Chinese language and with the symbols often only differing by a dot or comma shaped bit it could take a while to learn !!!!

"...there is not a consistent logic inherent in the formation of all Chinese characters, so that although we can see in some of today's characters how they have developed from their earliest forms, there is no methodology which will serve us for them all."

The Chinese characters started as pictogram's much like the Egyptian hieroglyphics, they have evolved over the years into the beautiful (if confusing) writing you see today.  There was a time when the characters and their meanings were obvious but today they all seem rather obscure.  For example, the character for "good" is made of a sign for woman next to the one for child because for a mother to have a baby (especially a boy) was a good thing, similarly the character for safe/secure is built of the sign for woman under the one for roof as with a woman in your home meant there would be a family which would bring stability.

Interesting huh ??

A Memory

I had a bad headache yesterday, mostly brought on by tiredness.  Rehearsals have been running late and i have been working an extra day a week so early mornings too - i don't deal well with less than 9hrs sleep !!!!

My son had double martial arts lesson in the evening and i felt so wretched that the old man offered to take him as long as i kept our daughter with me.  My first instinct was to lay on the sofa watching TV and send my baby to bed early.  I didn't :

I ran us a deep, hot, bubble bath, we had candle light and incense cones and i lay in a half unconscious state while my daughter told me about her day at school, I am sure she told me more than she ever has - how good was that for her !!!!!

Then we got glasses of nice cold milk, curled up in my double bed and still with candle light watched "Tinkerbell, the great fairy rescue" on DVD.  It was quite good and we both enjoyed it.  I let her blow out the candle and said as a special treat she could sleep in my bed with me all night.  Not that i would sleep much, she can fidget for England !!

The boys got back and were somewhat amazed but they stayed up a little later with cookies talking "men stuff" downstairs.

It was not an evening that put me out or cost me money - but wow, how my little girl loved it.

At school today she made me a valentines card saying "thank you for the barthe"  which i thought was absolutely lovely.

I shall remember last night for a long time to come, i think she will too.

Raining on the Inside

And Yet I Die

By Marilyn

I see the stars sparkling so bright,
Within the moon kissed sky.
I hear the lark so sweetly sing,
Amidst the morning dawn.
I smell the flower full in bloom,
And see their royal pomp.

And yet some place so deep within,
I'm shrouded and I'm closed.
The brilliance there I can't see,
In mists of misery.
Enshrined inside, unable thus,
To touch the warmth without.

I gaze upon this passion spent,

And yet . . . Inside I die.

Unconditional truth and love ?

 I read an interesting thing the other thing day: which was that part of "right speech" is the avoidance of lying.  I have always believed in honesty and hopefully my children will believe the same thing.  However what i read also suggested that you cant live with rigid believes when lying or truth telling is concerned.

I was surprised by that and read on with interest.  To believe lying in any circumstance is wrong is fine, but to live in the moment means to live flexibly.  For example if during the second world war you were hiding a family of Jews in your attic and the Gestapo come round - in that moment a lie would be the thing to do and a thing no one would blame you for doing.  You would live totally in that moment and your belief in truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth would go out of the window and what is more, you would not torment yourself with personal chastisement later either.

I'm not sure what i am giving you in that, or what you will take from it, so i will just leave it there and let you develop your own thoughts on it.

Another thing that has been on my mind is total, unconditional love: being chosen and not being second best.  A film I watched last night had a girl who was so totally in love with her guy that she could overlook knowing he was a murderer and even put a gun to her own head because it was what he asked her to do.  It reminded me of Violet Kray, the mother of the notorious Kray brothers who ruled London with an iron fist of violence in the 1960's.  She never saw the evil in her sons, would serve tea and cookies to their gang and could not see how they could be found guilty of the crimes they eventually went to jail for.

Some may think that total love is weak and pathetic, i see strength in it.  With the exception of my children there are very few people i have loved to that extent - would i take a bullet for them, run in front of car for them, lie to the police for them? 1 or 2, maybe.  I don't come first in any ones life at the moment (except the children of course) and i am determined not to take second place ever again - I want someone i can put first and build a life around and i don't see why i should not expect the same from the man in my life.  I will be fussy and look for the someone i can give to and receive from : that total, unconditional and completely devoted love.

Right

 
We had fortune cookies today at work to celebrate Chinese new year.  I never paid any heed to them before but today's got me thinking :

"The best way to fulfil your dreams is to simply, WAKE UP."

I don't think it means wake up from the sleep in which you dream, more to wake up to life and go for your dreams.
I don't feel strong enough for all that just yet but i do understand what its saying and i do want to go for it when i can.  I am going back to concentrating on waking up and seeing life for what it is : not a list of ideas or views but rather a wider view of the world with an honest and open mind that does not wage war on anyone or anything else but is accepting and tolerant.

I read today in a book on Buddhism that :

"The view of a Buddha is how things actually are - which, in light of the constant flux and flow of the world, is no one way in particular.  After all, how can things be a particular way if they are in constant motion? How can a hard-and-fast view of a world that is never hard or fast possibly be accurate?"

 Definitely worth some more thought i think !

The Thankful Heart

 
A friend told me today that gratitude makes you feel better.

I'm not so sure but I'm going to give it a go, she says 250 thank yous every morning when she gets up, she wrote them all down and now has them all recorded on to her MP3 player so it plays in her ear while she washes.

What a strange yet appealing idea.

She starts with "thank you that I'm awake", to which i replied "what if you didn't want to wake up?" "say it anyway" she said, then thank you for the day, the weather (whatever it may be doing) and then move on to food, clothes, being able to drive, the house, family and she finishes off thanking for her new friends (me).

She is not thanking anyone in particular but just thanking the world for the day and what it may bring, she has found it good for setting herself up for a day with a thankful heart and a smile on her face.

I think i may start this habit sooner rather than later - i am not convinced it will work but..........watch this space i guess !!!!!